Top ten reasons why it's good to be Italian:
- In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
- Unembarrassed to wear fur.
- No need to worry about tax returns
- Glorious military history... well, until about 400 a.d.
- Can wear sunglasses inside
- Political stability
- Flexible working hours
- Live near the Pope
- Country run by Sicilian murderers
Top ten reasons why it's great to be American:
- You can have a woman president without electing her
- You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
- You can call Budweiser beer
- You can be a crook and still be president
- If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
- If you can breathe you can get a gun
- You can invent a new public holiday every year
- You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
- You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
- You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
- You can get a pizza within minutes of ordering.
Top twenty new slogans for Valuejet Airlines:
- ValueJet: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.
- ValueJet: We're Amtrak with wings.
- Join our frequent near-miss program.
- On flights, every section is a smoking section.
- Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
- Our staff has had lots of experience consoling next-of-kin.
- Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.
- Complimentary champagne during free-fall.
- Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
- The kids will love our inflatable slides.
- You think it's so easy, get your own plane!
- Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?
- Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
- ValueJet: We may be landing on your street.
- ValueJet: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
- Bring a bathing suit.
- Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.
- That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.
- Fly ValueJet. Find out there really is a God.
- ValueJet: A real man lands where he wants to.
You're so tired you now answer the phone:
- Hell.
Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream:
- Get off my back, jerk!
- Your garbage can IS your "in" box.
- You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.
- You have so much on your mind, you've forget often how to think.
- Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through ...er.... Monday.
- You sleep more at work than at home.
- You leave for a party and instinctively take your ID badge.
- Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.
- You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
- Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
- If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
- Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
- Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
- Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
- Practice making fax and modem noises.
- Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.
- Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
- Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
- Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
- Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
- Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
- Adjust the background color on your email so that all your email correspondence is in green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
- Staple papers in the middle of the page.
- Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
- Honk and wave to strangers.
- Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
- TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.. type only in lowercase. dont use any punctuation either
- Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
- Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
- As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
- Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
- Ask people what gender they are.
- While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
- Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
- Sing along at the opera.
- Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
- Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:
- Shut up, all of you just shut UP!
- Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
- Sell Girl Scout cookies.
- On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
- Shave.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask:
- Got enough air in there?
- Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
- Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
- When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper:
- Noogie patrol coming!
- Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
- One word: Flatulence!
- On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
- Do Tai Chi exercises.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce:
- I've got new socks on!
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back:
- Oh, not now, motion sickness!
- Give religious tracts to each passenger.
- Meow occassionally.
- Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
- Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
- Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
- Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
- Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
- Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Burp, and then say:
- mmmm...tasty!
- Leave a box between the doors.
- Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
- Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
- Start a sing-along.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask:
- is that your beeper?
- Play the harmonica.
- Shadow box.
- Say "Ding!" at each floor.
- Lean against the button panel.
- Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
- Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
- Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
- Bring a chair along.
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger:
- Wanna see wha in muh mouf?
- Blow spit bubbles.
- Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
Announce in a demonic voice:
- I must find a more suitable host body.
- Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
- Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
- Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
Stare at your thumb and say:
- I think it's getting larger.
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler:
- Bad touch!
Top reasons why it's great to be French:
- Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time
- You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs
- If there's a war you can surrender really early
- You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
- You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries
- You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
- Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride
- People think you're a great lover even when you're not
10 rejected Saturday morning cartoons:
- "Billy, the Homicidal Smurf."
- "Scooby and Shaggy Go To The Retirement Home."
- "Archie, the Abcessed Tooth."
- "Yosemite Sam... UNCENSORED!"
- "The Golden Girls meet The Power Rangers."
- "Da Boys in Mister Rogers Neighborhood."
- "The Land of The Lost... The Barney Years."
- "COPS" in full color animation!
The top 10 least desirable fortunes in a fortune cookie:
- We know where you live.
- You will need good reading material in approximately 15 minutes.
- Everyone's meal today is on you!
- The "special sauce" came from the floor!
- Guess what our special "drop" was in our Egg Drop Soup and win a free meal!!
- Your colon will self destruct in five seconds.
- A recent prison escapee that is sitting near by wants to love you long time.
- Your dog Sparky...he's no longer missing.
- See the waiter about our new food poison life insurance policies.
- MSG? NO!!
- Ebola Virus....maybe
Least popular Halloween handouts:
- Spinach flavored Rice Cakes.
- Teeth removing Taffy
- Metamucil in a straw
- Ex-Lax Brownies
- Caramel Covered Zucchini
- Colored Crisco on a Stick
- Hot steaming bowl of pumpkin guts
- Chocolate Covered Prunes
- A Handful of Red Man
- Anything that ticks!
