Mom/Dad Jokes

The advice your son rejected is now being given by him to your grandson.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Parents often talk about the younger generations as if they didn't have anything to do with it.

With four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic.

To add to this, we kept running out of household supplies.

I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator.

As a reminder, I wrote at the top: "IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN."

When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the following message:"MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT 'OUT OF IT."'

Today is one of the first Father's Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.

Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.

Today, it's the size of his minivan.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.

Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.

Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.

Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.

Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.

Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father smoked a pipe. If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."

Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.

Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.

Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.

Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.

Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.

Today, he'll get a digital organizer.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."

Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.

Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.

Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.

Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.

Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.

Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.

Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.

In 2001, fathers are never truly appreciated.

Things Mom Would Never Say"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?" "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too" "Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery" "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week" "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day" "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me." "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here." "I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve" "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

The First Parent by Bill Cosby Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids. After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't." "Don't what?", Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." "Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?" "It's over there," said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and He was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" "I dunno," Adam answered. God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.

After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.

In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."

The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone dialed 911. When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint. "It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower."

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.

The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this: "Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'" One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"

My Mother taught me LOGIC...

"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me." My Mother taught me MEDICINE...

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way." My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...

"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!" My Mother taught me ESP...

"Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?" My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...

"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...

Don't talk back to me!" My Mother taught me HUMOR...

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up. My mother taught me about GENETICS..."

You are just like your father!" My mother taught me about my ROOTS..."

Do you think you were born in a barn?" My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE..."

When you get to be my age, you will understand." My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."

Just wait until your father gets home." My mother taught me about RECEIVING..."

You are going to get it when we get home." And, my all-time favorite - JUSTICE..."

One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU -- then you'll see what it's like!"