Redneck Jokes — worst jokes

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. The annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said. "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."

"Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.

"We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry", she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

Four Independence boys, Pugh, Sumter, Kilby and Grayson, were walking down a Clay County road when they came to a high, solid brick wall. Wondering what was behind it, Pugh, Sumter and Kilby boosted Grayson so he could take a look. "Looks like one of them nudist camps," reported Grayson. "Men or women?" asked Pugh. "Can't tell," said Grayson. "They don't have no clothes on."

A long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the deep South.

He got a ride from a mean-looking redneck trucker. After riding about 30 miles in silence, the youth finally said, "Well, aren't you going to ask me?"

- Ask you what?

- If I'm a boy or a girl.

- Don't matter. Gonna fuck ya anyway.

First name: ...................
Last name (if known): .......................
Address (where you live):
Mother's name (list also relation, i.e., sister): ..................
Birthdate (yours): ....................
Father's name (if known, if not, list two possible choices): ..............

Color of neck: Light Red( ) Medium Red( ) Dark Red( ) No Neck( )
Year of pickup truck: ............
Do you have the following in your truck:
Fuzzy Dice( ) Gun Rack( ) Coon Tail( )
Filled ash tray( ) Used Condoms( )
Dead Road Kill( ) Dog of Unknown Breed( )

Have you ever been to a large city? (Like Little Rock) Yes( ) No( )
How far can you throw cow pies? ..........
Do you eat cow pies? Yes( ) No( )

Wife's name: .................. Is she: Cousin( ) Neighbor( ) Sister( ) Mother( ) Neighbor's dog( ) Right hand( )
Does your wife weigh: Less than 200 Pounds( ) Less than 300 Pounds( ) Less than a 747( ) More than a 747( )
Do you know what a 747 is? Yes( ) No( )
How much smarter than you is your wife: 50 IQ Points( ) 75 IQ Points( ) 100 IQ Points( ) She Won't Tell Me( )
Does your wife wear: A Dress( ) Pants( ) Hot Pants( ) Your Pants( ) Them Lawyer Clothes( ) Nothing( ) Nothing but an Arkansas U Hog Head Hat( )
Color of wife's hair: Blonde( ) Red( ) Brown( ) Black( ) Bald( )

Did you understand the previous questions: Yes( ) No( ) What does "previous" mean?( ) Huh?( ) All of the Above( )

Have you ever had (check all that apply): Herpes( ) Jock Rot( ) The Drip( ) Roids( ) Zits( ) Smelly Feet( ) Toe Jam( ) Bad Breath( ) Tit Munge( ) Ear Wax( ) Long Nasal Hairs( ) Brown Nose( )

Have you ever:
Castrated a Pig( ) Been Castrated by a Pig( )
Danced to Achey Breaky Heart( ) Had an Achey Breaky Heart( )
Been Mistaken for Elvis( ) Had Fantasies about Toto( )
Had Fantasies about Dorothy and Toto( )
Had Fantasies about Gilligan( )
Had Fantasies about Gilligan and the Skipper Too( )
Inhaled( )

Where was your last Elvis sighting? ................ On what date? ...........
Can you count past five: Yes( ) No( ) Past ten: Yes( ) No( )
Explain in ten words or less why on Earth you want to be Governor of Arkansas:
Signature (or 'X' if you can't write) ................................

State of Arkansas Residency Application

Name: ................ (last)
( ) Billy-Bob
( ) Billy-Joe
( ) Billy-Ray
( ) Billy-Sue
( ) Billy-Mae
( ) Billy-Jack
(Check appropriate box)

Age: ....
Sex: .... M ..... F ..... N/A
Shoe Size: .... Left .... Right

Occupation:
( ) Farmer
( ) Mechanic
( ) Hair Dresser
( ) Un-employed

Spouse's Name:
Relationship with spouse:
( ) Sister
( ) Brother
( ) Aunt
( ) Uncle
( ) Cousin
( ) Mother
( ) Father
( ) Son
( ) Daughter
( ) Pet

Number of children living in household: ...
Number that are yours: ...
Mother's Name:
Father's Name: (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you ( )own or ( )rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

... Total number of vehicles you own
... Number of vehicles that still crank
... Number of vehicles in front yard
... Number of vehicles in back yard
... Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
.... truck
.... bedroom
.... bathroom
.... kitchen
.... shed

Model and year of your pickup: ............. 194_
Do you have a gun rack? ( ) Yes ( ) No; please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
( ) The National Enquirer
( ) The Globe
( ) TV Guide
( ) Soap Opera Digest
( ) Rifle and Shotgun

... Number of times you've seen a UFO
... Number of times you've seen Elvis
... Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
( )Weekly
( )Monthly
( )Not Applicable

Color of teeth:
( )Yellow
( )Brownish-Yellow
( )Brown
( )Black
( )N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
( )Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
( )1 mile
( )2 miles
( )don't know

You might be a redneck if you've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

Sauer and Tolbert went to the zoo and watched in awe as a lion let loose with a spine-tingling roar.

"Let's get out of here!" said Sauer.

"Go on, if'n you want to," said the other redneck. "But Ah'm stayin' for the whole movie!"

- Tourist: What's the speed limit in this hick town?

- Native: We don't have one. You strangers can't get out of here fast enough for us.

For a weddin' present Ledbetter gave his son Amos two hundred dollars. Two weeks later he asked him, "W'atcha do with the money, son?"

"Ah bought me a wristwatch, Pappy!" answered the boy.

"Yew dumb ignoramous!" yelled his father. "Yew should 'av bought yoreself a rifle!"

"A rifle? What fer?"

"Suppos'n one day yew cum home and find some guy sleepin' wid yore wife," explained the older redneck.

"W'atcha gonna do? Wake him up and ask him what time it is?"

Kelso met Hensley on the street. "Hey!" said Kelso, "how come I never hear from you? Why don't you call me on the telephone?"

"You ain't got no tellyphone!" said Hensley.

"I know," said Kelso. "But you do!"