Comedian Jokes

I was in a good mood last week. I entered a competition and won a years supply of marmite.....one jar!

When i was a kid i used to pray for a new bike. But then I realised that the lord doesn't work that way, so i stole one and asked him to forgive me!

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but i can't get my wife to go swimming!

I once met a dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date butunfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Have you ever seen Pop Idol? One point it was held at an esso gas station.

This irishman came on to do a song. He stoodnext to the diesel pump, lit the place up and it exploded.

He started singing "I'm Still Standing"!

Having a dog is great, it's just the 'dog people' that freak me out. "Oh, look at her, she's precious,just like Mommy." Me?!? If I birthed something that had 8 nipples - it ain't leaving the house.

I knew this guy. He was a sound guy from Ireland.

He spoke to me one day and told me he was going to apply for a job.

He told me that he walked out because the guyasked me for my name and i said"Paddy Milligan". He said "How do you spell"Milligan"? he replied

eariler this week i went to the guy who inveted the hokey pokey's funeral. It was a weird funeral. First they put his left leg in,then took his left leg out,they put his left leg in and they shaked it all about.

Then they put his right leg in and then his right leg out,they put his left leg in and they shook it all about,and so on and so forth until he was totally in

The EPA is conducting a $700,000 dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. "Pollution? It's those damn trees."

Jay Leno

An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator temporarily out of order" sign, just "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."-Mitch Hedberg