Situations — worst jokes

Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mum : Well, you have done the right thing.

Son : But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europefor three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught asupply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught atrain to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not finda seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the trainlooking for any place to sit down.

Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there wasroom for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking,older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.

"Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked.

The lady was insulted. "You bloody Americans are so rude", she said,"can't you see my dog is sitting there"?

He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat.

He found himself back at the same place.

"Lady I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to holdyour dog if I can sit down", he said.

The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant".

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finallysaid,"Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months withnot a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold yourdog?"

The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, youare also obnoxious."

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog,threw it out the window, and sat down.

The lady was speechless.

An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seatspoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit thelady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lotof things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold yourfork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch outof the window."

What a rip-off. I went into our local bookstore and saw this huge display with a sign saying "Newly translated from the original French: 37 mating positions." Noticing that the books were already wrapped in plain brown paper, I just hadda buy one. Once safely at home I opened it, out of sight of my wife, and found that I had just purchased an expensive book about Chess.

Just after Lorenna Bobbitt brutally cut off her husband's penis, she jumped into her car and sped away. On her way down the highway, holding her husbands penis in her hand, she decided to throw it out the window. She opened her window and tossed the penis as far as she could and sped away again. Meanwhile two potheads who were driving down the same highway happened to cross right by Lorenna just as she tossed it out the window and the penis hit their windshield smack dab in the middle. Stunned but still quiet the two locals drove on. About three miles down the road one pothead turned to the other and said, "Man, Did you see the size of the dick on the Mosquito?"

A woman enters a butcher shop and asks the counter assistant,"Do you have pigs ears?"

The counter assistant replies,"No, its just the way my hair is parted!"

A young woman stops into her local pharmacy to pick a supply of tampons for herself. She goes to the aisle where they are located and sees they are priced at five boxes for one dollar. Thinking this is a misprint; she finds a clerk and asks if this can possibly be the correct price. The clerk replies, "Yes it is the correct price. For one week only, you can purchase five boxes of tampons for one dollar, no strings attached."

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" sayshis wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opensthe door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take thehomeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??" "No, getlost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams thedoor.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke downin the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitterand you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? Whatwould have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.

"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would bethe right thing to do."

So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. Heopens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:"Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."

A rather well proportioned young lady, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, being a naturist, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.

"The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly.

"No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretchedout to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignifiedhandshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London wherethey boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificentwhite horses.

As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side andwaving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, allwas going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry anddignity.

Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip themost horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence,and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did theirbest to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that wasa ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassingsituation.

She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept myregrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even aQueen cannot control."

George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, pleasedon't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't saidsomething I would have assumed it was one of the horses."

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for a weekend to gamble. He lostthe shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip air ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised tosend the driver money from home, offering his credit card numbers,his driver's license number and his address but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have $15, get the hell out of my cab."

So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regainhis financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of thecasino to get a cab back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs,but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he couldmake the guy pay for his lack of charity and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line. "How much for a rideto the airport?" he asked. "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?!! Get the hell out of my cab!"

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to hisold friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How muchfor a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks."

The businessman said "OK" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessmangave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.