Drunks

Which is easier for a man to leave: the women or the Wine?
→ It depends on the age.

Where did the meteorologist stop for a drink on the way home from a long day in the studio?
→ The nearest ISOBAR!!

One vampire to the other: "Let's go and have a drink. I know a cosy little mortuary just round the corner"!

Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy, one of the church elders offered to present him with a bottle on one consideration - that the pastor acknowledge receipt of the gift in the church paper.

- Gladly - responded the good man.

When the church magazine came out a few days later, the elder turned at once to the "appreciation" column. There he read:

- The minister extends his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given.

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly:

- Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?

- I think so - the man replied.

- My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests.

- I don't mean that - the priest responded.

- I mean, are you prepared spiritually?

- Oh, sure - came the reply.

- I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said:

- If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.

With even greater emphasis he said:

- And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.

And then finally, he said:

- And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.

He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile:

- For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern.

- Paddy - he said:

- I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven one day.

- Really, Father? - slurred Paddy.

- What have you done?

An old drunk stumbles into a confessional.
After not hearing anything for a while the Priest knocked on the wall. The drunk said forget it buddy there's no paper in here either.

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said:

- If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.

With even greater emphasis he said:

- And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.

And then finally, he said:

- And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.

He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile:

- For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.

The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.

He says to his congregation:

- All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand.

The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.

Then the preacher says even more loudly:

- And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!

The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.

Confused and embarrassed he says:

- I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!