Random joke from this category
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
Twas the night before Christmas and throughout the substation,
Not a deputy stirred, they were all on vacation.
The stockings were hung on the wall with great care,
Next to some T-shirts and old underwear.
I was working the night shift compiling stats,
Answering the phone, and feeding the rat.
When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter,
I leapt from my desk to see what was the matter!
I opened the door with a creak and a crick,
And saw a jolly red fat man I knew must be St. Nick.
I had seen his picture a time or two,
He was wanted: Article 27 - Section 342.
I threw open the door and commanded him "Freeze!"
"Put your hands on you head and get down on your knees."
But he turned and he ran, up the chimney he flew,
With me in pursuit, toward Booth St. I knew.
When we got to the roof Santa made for his sleigh,
Throwing down toys and blocking my way.
As I got to the peak, he threw down some crack,
I slipped and I fell landing flat on my back.
To my front I was faced with a toy M-1 tank,
And Pink Power Rangers covering my flank.
"On Dasher, on Dancer!", he cried loud and clear.
Then I got off three rounds and dropped the lead deer.
And I heard Santa say as he sailed into the blue,
"Merry Christmas to all!
My Lawyers will sue!"
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now."
The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"
The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence".
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence."
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?"
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
Signs Your Partner Needs A Vacation
After a long pubcrawl those two guys discuss wether the moon is red or green. Since they can't come to a conclusion they go searching a cop. Finally they find one and ask him: "Please, officcccer, could you tell us if the moon is red or green?" The cop looks up and asks back: "The left or the right one?"
What does a witch do if her broom is stolen?
→ She calls the flying squad!
Why did the updraft get pulled over?
→ It was speeding in a high shear zone
Where is a tornado put in jail to be punished?
→ In a high pressure cell
Why did the tornado get arrested?
→ For speeding, theft, vandalism, assault and murder
