Worst jokes

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
→ One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.

A blonde decided that she was tired of her empty life. She cut her hair and dyed it brown, and set off for a drive. She wanted to do random acts of kindness to see if it would change her life.

While driving through the countryside, she came across a farmer who was trying to get his sheep across the road. She stopped her car and waved the farmer across, thinking this would be her first good deed.

After the sheep had all crossed, the blonde said to the farmer, "your sheep are so cute. If I guess how many there are, could I have one."

The farmer thought it impossible and told the blonde it was okay."637", said the blonde.

The farmer was amazed that the blonde had guessed the exact number, but lived up to his bargain.

"I'll take that feisty one over there", said the blonde.

Then the farmer said to the blonde, "Okay, now if I guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?

A Lady was on a business trip. Since she was so tense from all the meetings, she decided she would go to the roof of the hotel she was staying in and sunbathe to help her relax. She went to the top of the hotel, stripped down, and layed face down on the roof. After about an hour of sunbathing, she heard someone come on the roof. It was the manager of the hotel. He said, "Excuse me, miss, but do you mind sunbathing somewhere else?" "Why?", asked the lady. "I'm on top of the hotel...nobody can see me!" "True", the man replied, "But you are lying on the sunroof above the dining room."

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

- SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

- SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

- SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?

- SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

- SM: It's not working.

- SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

- SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

- SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

- SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

- SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

- SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

- SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

- SM: And?

- SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

- SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

- SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

- SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

- SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

- SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

- SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?

A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!

The five most constipated people in the Bible:

1. Cain-who wasn't able.
2. King Solomon-who sat on the throne for forty years.
3. King David-who neither Heaven nor Earth could move.
4. Moses-who took two tablets and went up into the mountains.
5. Noah-who spent 40 days and 40 nights on the ark and passed nothing but water.

The young Indian boy had spent most of his life in a quandry... He felt different yet... couldn't figure why... he was just so depressed. He went to the Chief for answers... He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name...

The chief answered in his typically poetic way...

"When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest... and so Running Deer was named. It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth."

Then, the boy said to the Chief... And how did my sister "Thundering Bird" get her name? The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird's mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky...

The boy asked again, how his cousin "White Crouching Bear" had been given such a name... And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe.... White Bear's mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her baby's birth. Then he asked the boy...

"Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"