Religion

Two young nuns having just been ordained were on a holiday in New York City and were standing in front of the gorilla cage at the Bronx Zoo. The gorilla took one look at this beautiful young nun, bent the bars, lept to the ground and kissed her. Then he went back into his cage, straightened the bars and resumed thumping on his massive chest. The nouns met again a week later and one of the nouns asked her friend:

- I have one question.

- Did he sent flowers afterwards...?

Why did God invent shopping carts?
→ To teach women how to walk on their hind legs.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

One goldfish to his tankmate:

- If there's no God, who changes the water?

What do you call the reindeer with one eye higher than the other?
→ Isaiah!

An American tourist travelling in Limerick came across a little antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up, for a mere $150, the skull of Saint Patrick.

Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's authenticity, signed by Saint Patrick himself.

Ten years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the antique shop owner if he had any more bargains.

- I've got the very thing for you - said the Irishman.

- It's the genuine skull of Saint Patrick.

- You swindler! - shouted the American.

- You sold me that ten years ago - and, producing the skull, added:

- Look, they're not even the same size!

- You have it all wrong - said the Irishman.

- This is the skull of Saint Patrick when he was a lad.

A Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces:

- Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island appears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives.

A few minutes later the plane lands safely on the island, whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks:

- Esther, did we pay our pledge to the Yeshiva yet?

- No Morris! - she responded.

Morris smiles, then asks:

- Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?

- Oy no, I forgot to send the check!!

Now Morris laughs.

- One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our Temple Building Fund check this month?

- Oy Morris I forgot that one too!

Now Morris is practically choking with laughter. Esther asks Morris:

- So what are you smiling and laughing about?

Morris responds:

- They'll find us.

This woman is visiting in Israel and notices that her little travel alarm needs a battery. She looks for a watch repair shop and while she doesn't read Hebrew she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window.

She goes in and hands the man her clock. The man says:

- Madam, I don't repair clocks. I am a Mohel. I do circumcisions.

She says:

- Why all the clocks in the window?

And he says:

- And what should I have in my window?

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says:

- Make me one with everything.

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill.

The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.

- Where's my change? - asks the Zen Master.

The vendor responds:

- Change must come from within.

Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas.

As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims:

- Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?

Father looks at her and says:

- Get outta me face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis.

The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the cabby:

- Take me to my hotel and step on it.

The cabby turns and says:

- Sure thing sir - Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so great to see you!

- Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!

So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter.

- Oh my God! Oh my God! It's you! - screams the hotel clerk.

- You're back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!

Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says:

- Thank you... Thank you very much!