Comedian Jokes — worst jokes

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Mitch Hedberg

The EPA is conducting a $700,000 dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. "Pollution? It's those damn trees."

Jay Leno

I never actually grasped the whole "Trick or treat" ultimatum.

Giving candy to grateful, adorable children or receiving a bag of flaming animal excrement on your doorstep - is this a choice?

Jerry Seinfeld

What would you get if you crossed a witch with a famous movie director?
→ Steven Spellberg!

What happened when the lion ate the comedian?
→ He felt funny!

Did you know that Dracula wants to become a comedian?
→ He's looking for a crypt writer.

- What sort of an act do you do?

- I bend over backwards and pick up a handkerchief with my teeth.

- Anything else?

- Then I bend over backwards and pick up my teeth.

A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.

Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!"
The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"

Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day.

Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers.

A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: "The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published."

Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
→ Samson. He brought the house down.