Celebrities — worst jokes

What goes in and out and smells of piss?
→ The Queen Mother

What's black and white and comes in little cans?
→ Michael Jackson

Lady Diana and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in.

St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity."

St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Diana the same question. Diana drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.

St. Peter says, "OK, Diana, you may go in".

Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, and she gets in and I don't?!!!"

"Sorry Dolly" says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a pair any day."

What do you call 5 dogs with no balls?
→ The Spice Girls!

How does Michael Jackson know its time for bed?
→ When the big hand is on the little hand.

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
→ From a catalogue.

Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery room after his wife gives birth to their son. Michael says, "How long before we can have sex?"

The doctor says, "At least wait until he's walking."

Is It Better To Be a Jock or a Nerd?

• Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.
• If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
• If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
• If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
• He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
• He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
• If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
• If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
• He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
• Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
• If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
• He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
• While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
• This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn't it? However...

• If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.

Game over. Nerd wins.

Did ya hear what President Clinton had to say about the Abortion Bill?
→ Ah thought ah paid it!

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day! (Phyllis Diller)