Drunks — worst jokes

One day, a Smartie and a Polo were having a drink in the pub.

Suddenly the pub door swings open and in walks a Humbug.?

Fuck me? shouts Polo, and immediately dives under the table.?

What the fuck are you doing that for?? says Smartie.?

That humbug always gives me a right good kicking whenever I seehim, so I?m hiding from him? says Polo.?

You should stand up to him? says Smartie. ?

He?ll respect you moreif you do?

Sure enough, the humbug walks over and gives the Polo a right slap.?

Fuck off you stripy wanker, or I?ll knock the fucking shit out ofyou? says Polo.?

Hey, no problem man, can I buy you a drink? says Humbug.?

Told you so? says Smartie.

The next night Polo and Smartie are sitting in the pub again, when inwalks Humbug with his mate, Tune.?

Fuck me? shouts Polo again diving under the table.?

What the fuck are you doing that for again? says Smartie.?

I know you said stand up to bullies, but thats Tune? says Polo.?

So what?? says Smartie.?

He?s fucking menthol? says Polo.sent by Steve Butler

A pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digested,then suddenly a whiskey came along. Pizza thought:"Ok.

I'll let him pass, there's no hurry. Two minutes lateranother whiskey comes by and pizza let him pass too, buttwo minutes later when the next one got there, pizza stopedhim:"What's going on out there?" it asked. "Why, there's aparty going on!! It's great! They're having the most fun!!"the whiskey replied.

And pizza said: "Great, I'll go check it out!"

After a long pubcrawl those two guys discuss wether the moon is red orgreen. Since they can't come to a conclusion they go searching a cop. Finally they find one and ask him: "Please, officcccer, could you tell usif the moon is red or green?" The cop looks up and asks back: "The left or the right one?"

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:IndubitablyInnovativePreliminaryProliferationCinnamonTHINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:SpecificityBritish ConstitutionPassive-aggressive disorderLoquacious TransubstantiateTHINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:Thanks, but I don't want to have sexNope, no more booze for meSorry, but you're not really my typeGood evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight

Sign of drinking problem...

You shout, "I'm not as think you drunk I am."

Sent by JC

Buford: Man, have you got a drinking problem! Mongo: The hell I do! Buford: The hell you don't!

Mongo: I don't have a drinking problem. I drink...

I get drunk...

I fall down. No problem!

A well dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at the bar and orders four very expensive drinks. The bartender serves them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron. The man then consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds. The bartender comments, "Wow, you sure must have a problem." "If you had what I had," the man replies, "you'd drink them fast, too." Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Fifty cents," the man answers.

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned somethingabout his girlfriend being out in the car.

The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.

The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriendentwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" thebartender asked.

"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

A visiting conventioneer from Saskatchewan walked into a bar in Greenwich Village and sat next to a rather attractive woman.

"Hi," he said, "I'm new in town. Can I buy you a drink?"

"Get lost," she remarked, "I am Lesbian."

"Oh, really?" he asked, "How are things in Beiruit?"

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died leaving me $50,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"