Men Jokes — worst jokes

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why do men prefer blondes? Men always like intellectual company.

An 82 year old man marries an 18 year old woman, she becomes pregnant. The 82 year old man goes to the Dr. to see what the DR had to say about the wife being pregnant. The DR. said let me tell you a story about this 82 year old man I know, This man went hunting every hunting season his whole life, never missed an event. One year he got ready to go hunting and grabbed an umbrella instead of his gun. He got to the beaver pond and saw a bever pulled up the umbrella and said pow pow and the beaver fell over dead. The Dr. asked the 82 year old patient what he thought happened to the beaver and the patient said I think someone else shot the beaver.

Element Name: MANSymbol: XYAtomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging. Samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by dousing with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

As a old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

Have you heard the one about the homosexual who wanted to enlarge the circle of his friends?

Man walks into the Doctors office. "I have the results of your test and I'm afraid your going to die" Says the Doctor. The Man asks "How long do I have to live?" "Ten", replies the Doctor. "What the hell does that mean", the Man asks. "Ten Years, Ten Months, Ten weeks, What?" The Doctor Replies "Nine"

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the night"."

We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack.

"The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree.

He begins the prayer, but continues praying with his head down for several minutes after everyone starts eating.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person.

"He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist."

Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was Mypenis?- Mypenis ate my homework.- Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!- Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.- I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.- Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.- Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.- I love giving Mypenis a bath.- At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands.- Mypenis likes it when people pet him.- Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.- Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.- Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?- Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.- I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.- I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.- Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.- I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.- Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.- If Mypenis was a weiner dog, he would be long and hairy and hard to carry.- Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.- Help! I can't find Mypenis!- Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking forMypenis.- Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.- Sorry to be driving so fast, officer - I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.- Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!- Watch it or you'll step on Mypenis.- When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone.- Stop kicking Mypenis.- When riding in the car, Mypenis enjoys sticking his head out to be blown.- Mypenis is truly man's best friend.- Beware of Mypenis. He's carrying a disease.- People say Mypenis looks cute lying down, but even better when standing at attention.- Mypenis: the crotch-sniffer.- There's nothing like a well-trained bitch for Mypenis.- I've trained Mypenis to jump through hoops.- Mypenis always searches for an open hand under the dinner table.- Excuse me - I need a muzzle for Mypenis.- Sorry I'm late, but Mypenis kept me up howling all night...

What is a man's idea of safe sex? A padded headboard.