Ouch — worst jokes

The blind date hadn't been all that great and she was relieved the evening was finally over. At her apartment door, he suddenly said "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?" Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any. She glanced down and said, "Nice design, does it also come in men's sizes ?

A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG ! He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG ! So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice says: OPEN ! Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins. The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO ! Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino. The deep voice says: ROULETTE ! So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief. The deep voice says: 27 ! He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball stops at the 26. The deep voice says: SHIT !

What's worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?

Getting fingered by Captain Hook!

What did the impatient helicopter say to its clumsy mechanic?

"Chop chop."

Three fellows walking along the beach noticed a mermaid sitting on a rock swishing her tail in the foam. The first man waded out to her and said, Hello mermaid! Have you ever been kissed?" She replied, "no sir!" So he kissed her quite thoroughly and asked, "Did you like that?" "Oh, indeed I did, sir!" she replied The second man went out to her and asked,"Mermaid, have you ever had your breasts fondled?" "No sir," she replied. So he set to and fondled and caressed and then asked, "How did you like that?" She replied," It was most pleasurable, sir." The third fellow approached and asked," Mermaid, have you ever been fucked?" "No sir," she replied. He said, "Well you have been now--the tide's gone out!"

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.

So I said "Implants?"

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?"

The host said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife."

"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.

"My ex-wife" replied the hunter.

A lady swallowed a super Gillette razor blade and her doctor discovered that not only had she given herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and a hysterectomy, but she had also castrated her husband, circumcised her lover, taken two fingers off a casual acquaintance, and given a vicar a hair lip.

And, there were still 5 shaves left!

What's pink and slowly turns red?

A baby chewing a razor blade.

Two guys are susposed to meet at 4:30. Charley shows up at4:30 and waits. Finally, at almost 5:00, Paul shows up andCharley says, "Where have you been? You're a 1/2 hour late."

Paul replies, "Sorry, I had to go to the dentist. My dick'sbeen hurting bad."

Charley says, "If your dick's been hurting, why did you goto the dentist?"

Paul answers, "Because I had a tooth stuck in it."