Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

How come Mike Tyson's eyes always water during sex?
→ Mace...

A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed.

They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure -- she was shaking and foaming at the mouth. Our uninformed male thought this was incredible -- best sex he'd ever had.

He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure. He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room.

A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied:

- I think her orgasm's stuck!

This guy was walking down a street in Texas and this hooker says:

- Say, wanna have a good time? We do things in a big way down here in Texas.

- Sure - he says and they were off to the nearest motel. She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her.

She says:

- Is this the first pussy you've seen since you crawled out of one?

The guy says:

- No, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into.

An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair of glasses. The Captain looked in his book of record and said:

- But you just got a new pair last month!

- Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident - stammered the private.

- Accident, what kind of an accident?

The Captain looked in his book of Accident definitions and glossaries:

- Road-march accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident?

- No, no, none of those... - said the private.

- Well then, what is it?

- I'd rather not tell you, sir...

- Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses - said the medical officer, ready to stand up.

- I've to see my patients now.

- No, no sir, wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl - blurted the private.

- Don't be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing a girl?

- You see, she crossed her legs.....

What do people do for fun on Halloween?
→ They monsterbate.

What's the best thing about a blow job?
→ The 15 minutes of silence!

When you go to the hospital how do you find the head nurse?
→ Look for the nurse with dirty knees and swollen lips!

How do you make love to a fat girl?
→ Roll her in flour and go for the wet spot.

Two GIs in the Vietnam war have been stuck in a trench for three days when one needs a shit.

- I can't go in here, it's really going to stink.

- There's another trench over there.

- I'll cover you with the M60... just give me a shout and I'll cover you so you can get back.

- OK.

So the GI runs across while the other fires off the machine gun.

He's waiting 10 minutes... 15... 20... he shouts out:

- Are you OK?... nothing.

Over an hour later he hears his mate shouting.

- Cover me, I'm coming back!

When he jumps back in, his mate says:

- Where the fuck have you been? You've been gone for over an hour.

- Yeah, I know. There's a girl in there, I played with her tits, fondled her arse, turned her round and fucked her from behind!

- It was great!

- You lucky bastard - said the other.

- Did you get a blow job?

- Nah - said the other, disappointedly.

- She didn't have a head.

Did you hear about the woman who only had two chances to get pregnant?
→ She blew them both...