Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

I admitted to my friend that I hadn't had sex for a while.

My friend reassured me that I won't forget it, cuz sex is like riding a bicycle.

I know it's been a while, but I don't ever remember pedaling...

Mrs. Ogden went to her doctor and said:

- Please give me a prescription for the Pill.

- I don't think you need the Pill at your age.

- It relaxes me.

- But you know the 'purpose' of the Pill. It's not for relaxing.

- I know - said Mrs. Ogden - but my daughter dates, and every morning I drop one in her orange juice. Believe me, I feel more relaxed.

Did you know that the night Santa first met his future wife he uttered the now famous words:

- Yes, that is a candy cane in my pocket, and I am glad to meet you.

One afternoon this young girl knocked on the door of her neighbor to chit chat the afternoon away. She walked in and said:

- My god, you look so depressed.

She said:

- You bet I am, look what my damn husband sent me... six dozen roses. Now you know what that means? I'm going to have to spend this whole weekend on my back with my legs spread.

- Now that's really silly, why don't you use a vase?

- Want a quickie?

- As opposed to what?

Three guys are discussing women.

- I like to watch a woman's tits best - the first guy says.

The second says:

- I like to look at a woman's ass.

He asks the third guy:

- What about you?

- Me? I prefer to see the top of her head.

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.

The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her:

- Do you know what I'm doing?

- Yes - she replied - you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.

- That is right - said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts.

- Do you know what I'm doing now? - he asked.

- Yes - the woman said - you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer.

- Correct - replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked:

- Do you know what I'm doing now?

- Yes - she said.

- You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place.

What is the difference between a Certificate of Deposit and Intercourse?
→ A Certificate of Deposit has significant penalty for early withdrawal.

This old lady walks out of the grocery store and goes to the bus stop.

An old guy is sitting in the parking lot in his car. He drives over and says he'll give her a ride home.

On the way he looks her over and says:

- You're a pretty good looking old broad. I'll pay you ten bucks for a piece of ass.

She says:

- What???!!!

But then thinks that the old age check isn't due for 5 more days, so she agrees.

They are lying on the bed after it's over having the usual smoke and he says to her:

- Geez, if I had known that you were a virgin I would have offered you $20.00!

She looks back at him and says:

- If I had known you could get it up I would have taken off my pantyhose!

How did the Burger King get the Dairy Queen pregnant?
→ He forgot to wrap his whopper.