Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

Once in a medieval times, there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest "weapon".

The first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.

Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.

After several more knights tried to prove their superiority... the King finally spoke out:

- I have the mightiest weapon of them all!

He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not even a thirty pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen."

What's the difference between hard and light?
→ You can sleep with a light on.

A little girl goes into the toilet and sees her dad having a shower.

It's at that moment she spots his penis. Pointing at it she says...:

- Daddy, daddy, when will I get one of those?

The dad looks at the little girl, looks out the door, looks back at the little girl and winks...:

- When your mommy goes to the mall!

What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole?
→ A 40ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger walked up to him and asked:

- If you woke up in the woods and scratched your butt and felt Vaseline, would you tell anyone?

- Hell no! - the guy said.

The stranger then asked:

- If you felt further into your crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?

The man said:

- Of course not.

- Wanna go camping?

Two teens had been lovers for a few weeks, but the boy was always after the girl to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said:

- You really ought to quit.

She, getting tired of his nagging, said:

- I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex.

He replied:

- But they stunt your growth. She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he had never.

Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said:

- So, what's your excuse then?

Two men were talking to each other about how pussy tastes.

The first guy said:

- I think it tastes like cherry pie.

The other guy said:

- I think it tastes like shit.

Then the first guy said:

- You are supposed to turn her over.

What's green and smells like pig?
→ Kermit's fingers.

What is the most insensitive part of a penis?
→ The man.

There were two people having sex in a car. They finished up and the guy threw the condom out the window. His girlfriend got mad at him, she wanted to go again. So he got out of the car and went to find the condom. He found that a little boy had found it and when he asked for it back the boy refused.

- C'mon - he begged:

- I'll give u a dollar.

- Well - the little boy thought:

- Okay.

So the little boy ran home.

- Mom, you'll never guess what just happened! I sold this guy a twinky for a dollar, but I tricked him. I sucked the cream out of it first!