Worst jokes

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife . . .:

- Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She paused for moment and then confessed:

- Yes. Yes he did.

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks:

- Who? Who was he? Who was the father?

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. then, finally, she says. . . . . . .:

- You.

- Viagra, The quicker dicker upper

- Viagra, One-a-day, like iron

- Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight

- Viagra, Home of the whopper

- Viagra, It plumps when you take 'em

- Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman

- Viagra, Tastes great, more filling

- Viagra, Ten inches long ... and growing.

- Viagra, We work harder, so you don't have to.

And the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:

- This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?

- Accountants do it with Double Entry

- Acupuncturists do it with a small prick

- Ambulance drivers come quicker

- Australians do it Down Under

- Bach did it using the organ

- Bankers do it with interest

- Bartenders do it on the Rocks

- Batman does it using his Robin

- Bookkeepers do it for the record

- Bosses delegate the task to others

- Chess players check their Mates

- Cops do it with cuffs

- DJs do it on request

- Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure

- Dentists do it orally

- Detectives do it under cover

- Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers

- Elevator men do it up and down

- Engineers do it to specifications

- Engineers do it to a first order approximation

- Firemen do it with a big hose

- Frank Sinatra does it his way

- Garbagemen come twice a week

- Gardeners do it on the bushes

- Gas attendants Pump all day

- Golfers do it in 18 holes

- Landlords do it every 1st of the month

- Managers make others do it

- Marketing reps do it on commission

- Pizza delivery man comes in 30 minutes or it's free

- Teachers do it with class

- Waiters and waitresses do it for tips

- Zoologists do it with animals

THE MINISTRY OF HEALTH HAS PROPOSED THAT WARNING SIGNS BE PLACED ON BOOZE BOTTLES TO TIP OFF DRINKERS ABOUT THE POSSIBLE PERIL OF POUNDING A PINT OR TWO.

1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a sewer truck at 100 yards.
2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.
8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.

What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
→ You know she'll swallow.

Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
→ They don't want to wear out the camel.

What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
→ A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness?
→ Some one who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU to fuck off!

Do you know why women fake orgasm?
→ Because men fake foreplay.

What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
→ When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
→ Dating children.

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golfball?
→ A guy will actually search for a golfball.

Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
→ She knows she's given her last blow job.

Who is the most popular man at the Nudist Colony?
→ The man who can carry two cups of coffee and 12 donuts.

Who is the most popular woman at the Nudist Colony?
→ The woman who can eat the last two donuts.

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
→ Cough, gag, choke, etc.

What did One gay sperm say to another?
→ How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
→ It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
→ Two. The hard part is getting them in the lightbulb.

What's the definition of Trust?
→ Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.

How do you find a blonde in long grass?
→ Pleasing!

What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies?
→ Bingo!

How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?
→ When the big hand touches the little hand...

When is a pixie not a pixie?
→ When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

What's the definition of a Yankee?
→ Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.

What's a Japanese girl's favorite holiday?
→ Erection day.

How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
→ The tongue's still in the envelope.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
→ After 10 years the job still sucks.

Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
→ The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job.

Next time you're invited to a boring social event, try one of these excuses to why you can't attend:

I'D LOVE TO BUT......

- I don't want to leave my comfort zone.

- I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.

- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.

- I have to fluff my shower cap.

- I have to fulfill my potential.

- I left my body in my other clothes.

- I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.

- I'll be looking for a parking space.

- I'm being deported.

- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.

- I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.

- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.

- I'm sandblasting my oven.

- I'm taking a crash course in punk totem pole carving.

- I'm worried about my vertical hold.

- I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.

- I've got a Friends of the Rutabaga meeting.

- it's too close to the turn of the century.

- my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.

- my plot to take over the world is thickening.

- my subconscious says no.

- none of my socks match.

- the grunion are running.

- the last time I went, I never came back.

- the monsters haven't turned blue yet; I have to eat more dots.

- On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

- Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

- In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

- On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."

- On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

- At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

- On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"

- On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

- In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

- On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."

- On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."

- At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."

- On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

- At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

- Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

- Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

- At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"

- In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."

- On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

- In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

- On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."

- At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

- In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"

- On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)

- On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."

- In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

- Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

- In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

- On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."

- In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

- In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
I will be drunk,
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer,
The bitter,
The lager.

I give all of these people a DUH! - DOH! - & Woo-hoo!

HANDS-DOWN WINNER OF THE IDIOT CORPORATION AWARD! AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. (Let that be a lesson to him!)

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS! Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up. (No one ever said you had to be "smart" to be a cop.)

NOW THIS SOUNDS LIKE IT WAS PLANNED OUT WELL... NOT! An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account. (Maybe he should have pretended to have a brain!)

WHEN YOU THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY... READ THIS Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system.

- This is even worse than last year - said the distraught homeowner, when someone broke in and stole my new security system... (...hmmm, could this be the Illinois guy?)

NOW THIS IS WHAT I CONSIDER A DEDICATED CROOK! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. (Wonder if he paid himself time and 1/2 for the overtime?)

I WANNA BE A BRAIN SURGEON WHEN I GROW UP! In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain. (After his hospital stay, he was immediately enrolled in law school!)

FOOT IN MOUTH... UP TO THE KNEE! Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words:

- Give me all your money or I'll shoot - the man shouted.

- That's not what I said! (Turns out, the witness was Blonde and didn't pick him!)

NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (Banks should keep Monopoly money on hand for these bright crooks.)

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says:

- I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out - and he leaves.

The couple sits for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all:

- What if it doesn't work out? - they wonder.

- Are we stuck together forever?

St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled:

- Yes - he informs the couple.

- You can get married in Heaven.

- Great - says the couple.

- but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground!

- What's wrong? - exclaims the frightened couple.

- Come on! - St. Peter exclaims.

- It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?