Worst jokes

Recently a Ft. Lauderdale advertising agency launched a billboard campaign (including the inside and outside of buses) that included 17 different messages "from God". This non-denominational campaign, was sponsored by an anonymous client. How cool to drive by one of these billboards!

1. Let's Meet At My House Sunday Before the Game - God
2. C'mon Over And Bring The Kids - God
3. What Part of "Thou Shalt Not..." Didn't You understand? - God
4. We Need To Talk - God
5. Keep Using My Name in Vain And I'll Make Rush Hour Longer - God
6. Loved The Wedding, Invite Me To The Marriage - God
7. That "Love Thy Neighbor" Thing, I Meant It. - God
8. I Love You ... I Love You ... I Love You ... - God
9. Will The Road You're On Get You To My Place? - God
10. Follow Me. - God
11. Big Bang Theory, You've Got To Be Kidding. - God
12. My Way Is The Highway. - God
13. Need Directions? - God
14. You Think It's Hot Here? - God
15. Tell The Kids I Love Them. - God
16. Need a Marriage Counselor? I'm Available. - God
17. Have You Read My #1 Best Seller? There Will Be A Test. - God

The Latest Report on Windows98: New Error Codes Assigned

- Winerr 000 - Unexpected Intelligent User Detected; Please Reload Everything

- Winerr 001 - Intimidation Failed; Attempting to Crash Repeatedly

- Winerr 002 - Erroneous Error; No Error Occurred (Yet)

- Winerr 003 - RAM Depleted; Annex Japan (Y/N)?

- Winerr 004 - Deluxe Error. Please Send $75 to Upgrade Your Error

- Winerr 005 - Long File Name Error; Tape Erased to Make Room for Filename

- Winerr 006 - Insufficient RAM to Crash Properly; Attempting Fake Crash

- Winerr 007 - Alphanumeric Sequence "OS2" Prohibited

- Winerr 008 - This License Has Expired; Please Purchase Another Copy

- Winerr 009 - Error Buffer Overflow; Too Many Errors

- Winerr 00A - Non-Microsoft Application Encountered

- Winerr 00B - Push Error; Removing Files to Make Room for Advertisement

- Winerr 00C - Windows Loaded Correctly This Time

- Winerr 00D - User Error; Lemming Not Found

- Winerr 00E - Open Standard Encountered; Attempting to Redmondize

- Winerr 00F - Reserved for Future Coding Errors

- Winerr 010 - Virus Error - Other Applications Will Be Closed Instead

- Winerr 011 - Orwell Not Found; You Must Use MSN

- Winerr 012 - Cash Underflow - Credit Card Number Will Be Assimilated

- Winerr 013 - Keyboard Error; User Must Learn to Slow Down

- Winerr 014 - User Error; Reading License Agreement Mandatory to Continue

- Winerr 015 - Error Message Deleted

- Winerr 016 - Expected Error Did Not Occur; Attempting to Restart Error Sequence

- Winerr 017 - Multitasking Attempted; System Confused

- Winerr 018 - Network Error - Your Crash Will Be Replicated to All Stations

- Winerr 019 - Freedom-of-Choice Error; Select a Microsoft Browser To Continue

- Winerr 01A - Insult Detected -- Your Bill Gates Joke Will Be Deleted

- Winerr 01B - Error Removing Temp File; a Permanent File Will Be Substituted

- Winerr 01C - Wrong Disk Formatted. Sorry About That.

- Winerr 01D - Mandatory Error Inserted to Meet Error Quota

- Winerr 01E - Please Insert Your Favorite Error Here

- Winerr 01F - Error In Progress; Please Wait....

- Winerr 020 - Unknown Error Occurred But Was Lost. Windows Will Try To Remember

- Winerr 021 - Error Parsing Error List; Please Wait For Next Error

- Winerr 022 - Upgrade Error; Please Format Your Drive And Reload Everything

- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

- After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

- Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

- If at first you don't succeed, don't try again: quit. No use being a complete fool about it.

- If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

- It doesn't matter what you do; it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

- The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

- There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

- When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

This man is at work one day when he notices that his male co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

- Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings.

- Oh, yeah, sure - says Bob sheepishly.

- Really? How long have you been wearing one?

- Ever since my wife found it in our bed!

Grandmother and granddaughter were in the bank when three bank robbers walked in and held it up.

- All the ladies down on the floor - one handsome robber commanded.

- My grandmother too? - the little girl asked.

- Yes, your grandmother too!

- All the ladies on the floor, pull up your dresses.

- My grandmother too?

- Yes, your grandmother too! All ladies will now remove their panties.

- Surely you don't mean my grandmother too? - asked the little girl.

Becoming angry, the handsome robber shouted:

- YES, YOUR GRANDMOTHER TOO! Now, all the ladies on the floor are to spread their legs apart.

When the little girl started to ask if her grandmother was included, her grandmother snarled:

- YOU HEARD WHAT THE MAN SAID!

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show
A window was something you hated to clean....
And RAM was the cousin of a goat.....

MEG was the name of my girlfriend
And GIG was your middle finger upright
Now they all mean different things
And that really MEGA bytes

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy
You hoped nobody found out

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be called a drop, it does.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming down.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

Someday we might discover magnets that can point in any direction.

One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

Blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the earth because so many people are stomping around there these days.

The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.

I'm not sure how clouds are formed, but clouds know how to do it, and that's the important thing.

The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy.

- Can I help you? - the madam asked.

- I want Natalie - the old man replied.

- Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else...

- No, I must see Natalie.

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000.

Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it.

Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man:

- No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?

The old man replied:

- I am from Minsk.

- Really? - replied Natalie,

- I have a sister who lives there.

- Yes; I know - said the old man.

- She gave me $3,000 to give to you.

Reasons why it's great to be a man:

- Your butt is never a factor in a job interview.

- Your orgasms are real. Always.

- Chocolate is just another snack.

- You can be president.

- You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

- Car mechanics tell you the truth.

- You don't give a crap if no one notices your new haircut.

- The world is your urinal.

- Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

- You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

- Same work ... more pay.

- Wrinkles add character.

- You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

- Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

- If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

- People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

- The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

- Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

- Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.

- Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?"

- One mood, ALL the damn time.

- Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat!

- You know stuff about tanks.

- You can open all your own jars.

- Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

- You can go to a public toilet without a support group.

- You can leave the motel bed unmade.

- You can kill your own food.

- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

- Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

- If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

- Everything on your face stays its original color.

- You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.

- You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

- No maxi-pads.

- You don't mooch off other's desserts.

- You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

- You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

- You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

- You almost never have strap problems in public.

- You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

- You don't have to shave below your neck.

- Your belly usually hides your big hips.

- One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

- You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

- Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

The following are new Error Messages are planned for Windows 2000:

1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9. Windows message: "You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?"
10. This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off."
11. Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
12. BREAKFAST.
    SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13. COFFEE.
    SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key.
14. CONGRESS.
    SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16. Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19. WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER.
20. User Error: Replace user.
21. Windows VirusScan1.0 - "OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)"
22. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic.