Worst jokes

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. . .

After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids showed up and they saw his sign:

- Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.

Well the kids were bright and not about to risk another watermelon. They ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the sign that the farmer made.

The next day the farmer showed up to look over the field and he noticed to his delight that no watermelons are missing. He was perplexed, however, by a sign next to his. He drove his tractor up to the sign which read:

- Now there are two!

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands....

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

- You're running around with other women - she told her mate.

- Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable - Adam responded.

- You know you're the only woman on earth.

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

- What do you think you're doing? - Adam demanded.

- Counting your ribs - said Eve!

Three elderly ladies were at the doctor for a cognitive reasoning test.

The doctor says to the first gal:

- What is three times three?

- 297 - was her prompt reply.

- Ummm humm - says the doc.

The doctor says to the second lady:

- It's your turn now. What is three times three?

- Friday - replies the second lady.

- Ummm humm...

Then the doc says to the third:

- Okay, mam, your turn. What's three times three?

- Nine - she says.

- That's wonderful! - says the doc.

- Tell me, how did you get that?

- Simple - she says, beaming...

- I subtracted 297 from Friday!

- Defendant: Your Honor, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.

- Judge: And why is that?

- Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.

- Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?

- Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

Mrs. Whembleton decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist:

- Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant.

- But, Madam, you are not wearing any of those things.

- True enough - said Mrs. Whembleton. If I should predecease my dear husband I know he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go stark raving mad looking for the jewelry!

A couple of senior couples were strolling along, wives in front, husbands in back chatting. Bernie turns to Marv and says:

- Ya know, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Great prices, too.

Marv smiles and says:

- Well, we like to eat out too. So what was the name of this fine new eatery?

Bernie says:

- You're going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, often red, grows on a thorny bush?

Marv grins again:

- Well now, Bernie, sounds like a rose to me...

- Yes, yes, that's it! - cries Bernie, then he calls ahead to his wife...

- Rose! Rose, honey, what was the name of that little restaurant we ate at last night?

Why English Teachers Are Important: The Words are the same. Only the punctuation changes...

Dear Thomas,
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?
Maria

Dear Thomas,
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours,
Maria

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out.

She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says:

- Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?

- Reading my book - she replies as she thinks to herself - Is this guy blind or what?

- You're in a restricted fishing area - he informs her.

- But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?

- But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up.

- If you do that, I will charge you with rape - snaps the irate woman.

- I didn't even touch you - growls the sheriff.

- Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ...

Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.

- Oh, this is terrible - exclaims St. Peter - I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you in and we can't send you back.

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone:

- Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. What d'ya say?

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

However, Two days later St. Peter got a call:

- Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning!

- A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

- Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor.

- Atheism - A non-prophet organization.

- Boycott shampoo!!! Demand True poo!

- Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!

- Clones are people two.

- COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.

- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

- Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.

- Entropy isn't what it used to be.

- Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

- Gene Police: YOU!! Out of the pool!

- Ground Beef: Cow With No Legs

- Help stamp out, delete, and eradicate unnecessary, superfluous redundancy.

- I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.

- Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!

- Mouse... n. elephant built by the Japanese.

- My reality check just bounced.

- No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.

- Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.

- Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

- So, what IF there were no hypothetical questions hypothetically...