Worst jokes

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like:

- You know sometimes I just forget to eat. Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of idiot to forget to eat!

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said:

- Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?

Clear as a bell my body said:

- listen witch... do it and die!

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

- If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

Dear GOD, In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? -Jane

Dear GOD, I read the Bible. What does 'begat' mean? Nobody will tell me.-Love, Alison

Dear GOD, Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? -Lucy

Dear GOD, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? -Anita

Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma

Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? -Jane

Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan

Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil

Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane

Dear GOD, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. -Darla

Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce

Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L.

Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -Bruce

Dear GOD, If we come back as something - please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. -Denise

Dear GOD, If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set. -Raphael

Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. -Danny

Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry

Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. -Sam

Dear GOD, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. -Dean

Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. -Ruth M.

Dear GOD, I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. -Elliott

Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan

Dear GOD, Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best. -Rob

Dear GOD, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? -Marsha

Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. -Mickey D.

Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris

Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD: The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. -Eddie

Dear GOD, I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. -Charles

Dear GOD, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! -Eugene

- You know a man's lying if his lips are moving.

- Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

- So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

- Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

- Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be let out alone.

- Never sleep with a man who's named his willy.

- Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway

- A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.

- Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

- Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

- Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

- If you wanted a committed man look in a mental hospital.

- If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

- Boring men are like snot - they get up your nose.

- Always wear high heels, it makes it easier to look down on him.

- If he asks you if your faking it tell him no, your just practicing.

- Sadly, all men are created equal.

- There are a lot of words that you can use to describe men - strong, caring,loving - they'd be wrong - but you could still use them.

25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O.J. Simpson
26. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION
27. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
28. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT
29. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA
30. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
31. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
32. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
33. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
34. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS
35. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
36. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB
37. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
38. EASY UNIX
39. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE AND AGRICULTURE
40. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
41. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
42. FRENCH HOSPITALITY
43. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
44. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER - by Art Garfunkel
45. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
46. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA
47. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS
48. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

And the Number one World's Shortest book......

1. HOW TO OVERCOME TEMPTATION - by Bill Clinton

A man dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter asks him what religion he belongs to. The man tells him and Saint Peter says:

- oh, we have a lot of your kind here. In fact, we have a special room for all of you so you can all be together!

He leads the man down a long hallway with doors on either side.

They pass one door and they hear a bunch of yelling and hollering inside.

- Who's in that room? - the man asks.

- Oh, those are the holy rollers - says Saint Peter.

- They make a lot of noise but they're pretty harmless.

They pass by another door which is nearly shaking off its hinges.

- Who's in there? - the man asks.

- That's the room for the Shakers - replies Saint Peter.

Then they approach another door. Saint Peter whispers to the man:

- we must be very quiet going past this door. Don't make a sound.

They tiptoe past the door and when they get farther down the hallway the man asks Saint Peter who was in that room.

- Oh, those are the Catholics. They think they're the only ones up here!

Newly assigned officers at Norfolk Naval Air Station here in Virginia are quite often "adopted" by a family. One such young officer, a Lt. Commander, became an 'Uncle' to the family's little 5 year old daughter.

One Sunday, he asked her what she had learned in Sunday School. Aware of his rank and standing in the service, she beamed and said:

- We learned all about the ten commanders, Uncle Joe. They're always broke!

A doctor was holding a new baby that he had just delivered.

The baby looked up at him and said:

- Are you my father?

The doctor said:

- No, I am the doctor that delivered you. Then the doctor handed the baby to the nurse.

While the nurse was cleaning the baby the baby looked at the nurse and said:

- Are you my father?

The nurse said:

- No, I am just the nurse. Then the nurse gave the baby to the new father.

The baby looked at him and said:

- Are you my father?

The new father said proudly:

- Yes! I am your father.

Then the baby started poking his father in the forehead over and over again and said:

- So how do YOU like it?!

Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered. Here for the first time is a description of their properties.

Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses Strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

Why Coffee Is Better Than Women:

- Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have some.

- You won't get arrested for trying to buy coffee at 3 AM.

- Coffee never runs out.

- No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.

- You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.

- When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.

- Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.

- Coffee can be ready in 15 minutes or less.

- White men can take black coffee home to their parents.

- Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream on it.

- You can always heat up coffee.

- Coffee smells and looks good in the morning.

- If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.

- Two words; INSTANT COFFEE !

Now that I'm older.....here's what I've discovered.....

I started out with nothing..

I still have most of it.

- When did my wild oats turn into prunes and All Bran?

- I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

- Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

- All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

- If all is not lost, where is it?

- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

- The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

- I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through, though.

- It was all so different before everything changed.

- Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

- A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.

- I wish the buck stopped here, I could use a few....

- Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

- It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

- The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

- If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.

- When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess.

- Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

- It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.