Ouch — worst jokes

A young man fell in a pit one day, and found a magic lamp with a genie inside of it. The genie said, 'I will grant you three wishes.' The man's first wish was to get out of the pit. POOF He was instantly transported out. He then wished for all the gold in the world. POOF The genie gave him all the gold nuggets in the world, all the gold bars, all the gold pebbles, etc. The man could not think of anything for his third wish, so he went out for a ride in his Ferrari. He turned on the radio, and after a few minutes, his favorite song came on. He decided to sing along: 'Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner...'

Two men and a woman were the sole survivors of a pleasure cruise shipthat sank in the Bermuda Triangle. They made it to an uninhabited island.

Two weeks later the woman jumped off a cliff because she was so ashamedof what she was doing.

Two weeks after that the two men buried her because they were so ashamedof what they were doing.

Two more weeks passed by and the men dug her up again--being so ashamedof what they were doing.

"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he setthe man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on thefarm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautifuldaughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said no, everything is fine. "Are you sure?", she asked. "I'm sure,I said. "Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know.

"I reckon not" I replied ...

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me whatshe meant, I fell off the roof!"

A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher. "don't worry, ya ," he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping." Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."

Fred goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated." Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into orwhat your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation." Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a littleembarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here.

Will you do it?" Doc says, "Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I don't understand it, but OK." He puts Fred to sleep, does the trick, and is waiting at thebedside when Fred wakes up. "Well, Doc, how'd it go?" Fred asks. "It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of anoperation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task, and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I wentahead and did that, too. I think, it's really better for a man to becircumcised, and I hope you don't mind my..." "CIRCUMCISED!" yells Fred. "THAT'S the word!!!"

This bloke picks up woman at the local pub. They go for a romanticwalk down the street. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll hislustful desires rise to a fever pitch.

He is just about to put the hard word on her when she says, "I hope you don'tmind but I'm busting to have a piss".

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK whydon't you go behind these bushes".

She nods in agreement and disappears behind the bushes.

As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rollingdown her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed.

Unable to contain himself for another moment, he reaches througha gap in the foliage, his hand touching her leg. He quickly brings hishand further up her thigh until suddenly he finds himself gripping a long,thick appendage hanging between her legs.

He shouts in horror "My God, don't tell me your really a bloke!".

"No" she replies", "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead."

The guy leered at the babe at the yacht-club. "Hey, baby, would you help me 'raise my mast'?"

"No thanks," she said sweetly. "I heard about you from your ex and she included a 'small craft' warning."

I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar the other night and said, "Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?"

She said, "Do you like sex?"

I said, "Of course I like sex."

She said, "Do you like to travel?"

I said, "Yeah, I love to travel."

She said, "Then fuck off."

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up." "That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Aw, come on," the farmer insisted. "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish !" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon."

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."