Ouch — best jokes

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a prettygirl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face,the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, thenheld it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little oldman standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

This guy walks in to a bathroom. There is a hole in the wall, and a signthat says "put your dick in here, we'll do what your wife does for you". Sothe guy puts his dick in there, and they sew a button on it.

What's worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?

Getting fingered by Captain Hook!

What did the impatient helicopter say to its clumsy mechanic?

"Chop chop."

Three fellows walking along the beach noticed a mermaid sitting on a rock swishing her tail in the foam. The first man waded out to her and said, Hello mermaid! Have you ever been kissed?" She replied, "no sir!" So he kissed her quite thoroughly and asked, "Did you like that?" "Oh, indeed I did, sir!" she replied The second man went out to her and asked,"Mermaid, have you ever had your breasts fondled?" "No sir," she replied. So he set to and fondled and caressed and then asked, "How did you like that?" She replied," It was most pleasurable, sir." The third fellow approached and asked," Mermaid, have you ever been fucked?" "No sir," she replied. He said, "Well you have been now--the tide's gone out!"

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.

So I said "Implants?"

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?"

The host said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife."

"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.

"My ex-wife" replied the hunter.

A lady swallowed a super Gillette razor blade and her doctor discovered that not only had she given herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and a hysterectomy, but she had also castrated her husband, circumcised her lover, taken two fingers off a casual acquaintance, and given a vicar a hair lip.

And, there were still 5 shaves left!

What's pink and slowly turns red?

A baby chewing a razor blade.

Two guys are susposed to meet at 4:30. Charley shows up at4:30 and waits. Finally, at almost 5:00, Paul shows up andCharley says, "Where have you been? You're a 1/2 hour late."

Paul replies, "Sorry, I had to go to the dentist. My dick'sbeen hurting bad."

Charley says, "If your dick's been hurting, why did you goto the dentist?"

Paul answers, "Because I had a tooth stuck in it."