Ouch — best jokes

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
→ One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
→ One snatches watches and the other watches snatches!

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
→ A quarter-pounder with cheese.

A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

British Military Officer Fitness Reports

The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....:

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

- I would not breed from this Officer.

- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

- Technically sound, but socially impossible.

- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap

- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

- Only occasionally wets himself under pressure

At the morning roll call at Fort Dix, the sergeant called out:

- Platoon, atten-HUT! Private Martinez, report to the office. Your brother died last night.

The Chaplain, Rabbi Horowitz, looked on in horror.

- Sergeant, that's a rather cruel and unfeeling way to break tragic news. We must be more gentle and less abrupt in the future - he said afterwards.

The sergeant shrugged:

- Yes sir. I'll try to remember that.

He didn't look very convinced.

Several days later, a call came in about another family death. As the troops were assembling for roll call, the Chaplain stepped forward.

- Let me take this one, sergeant - he said.

He turned toward the sleepy-looking soldiers and said:

- Platoon, atten-HUT !

They came to attention.

- Good morning, men! - he said.

- Good morning, sir - they replied.

- Men, today is Mother's Day, and I hope all of you will be calling home to send your moms a loving thought. In fact, all of you who are fortunate enough to still have a mother who's alive and well, take two steps forward. Private Jones; not so fast!

What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?
→ The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm...

If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter!

- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.

- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway.

- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).

- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really huge biker guy named "Big Al".

On a very cold winter night, three homeless men huddled up close to keep warm. In the morning, the guy on the right says:

- I had a dream that someone was pulling on my dick.

The guy on the left says:

- I also had a dream that someone was pulling on my dick.

The guy in the middle says:

- I had a dream that I went skiing.

Stick your tongue out.

Move it up and down.

Relax.

Now move it left and right.

Well done! You have now completed Christopher Reeves workout video.