Computer Jokes — worst jokes

How many Bill Gateses does it take to change the lightbulb?
→ None. He just calls a meeting and makes darkness the standard.

• Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
• AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
• MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
• Politically Correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
• Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
• Government Economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
• New World Order virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
• Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
• Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
• Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
• Congressional virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
• Airline virus: You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.
• Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.
• Public Television virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
• Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
• Nike virus: Just does it.
• Congressional virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
• Star Trek virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
• Health Care virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

What is a computer's first sign of old age?
→ Loss of memory.

What does a baby computer call his father?
→ Data.

What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard?
→ The space bar.

What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
→ It slipped a disk.

Why was there a bug in the computer?
→ It was looking for a byte to eat.

What is a computer virus?
→ A terminal illness.

To err is human, but to really mess things up requires a computer.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

My computer isn't that nervous. It's just a bit ANSI.

The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.

Computer users are divided into three types: Novice, Intermediate and Expert.

• Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
• Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
• Expert Users - People who press the keys that break other people's computers

E-MAIL COMMANDMENTS

• Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
• Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
• Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before sendest it.
• Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
• Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
• Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE all CAPS.
• Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
• Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of email, especially from work.
• Thou shalt not use email for any illegal or unethical purpose.

When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.

And, the Golden Rule of email: That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

A blonde keeps walking down her drive to her mail box. She keeps doing this until her neighbour asks her why she is doing that. The blonde replies "My computer keeps telling me that i've got mail".

How do you know when a blonde's been sending e-mail?
→ Envelopes in the disk drive.

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO KEEP IF YOU'RE A NERD

16. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
17. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.
18. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
19. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
20. I will try to figure out why I really need 9 e-mail addresses.
21. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.
22. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.
23. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.
24. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.
25. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.
26. I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.
27. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*
28. I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...
29. I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.
30. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.
31. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

1. Be thankful you haven't been spammed!
2. Be thankful your computer isn't down!
3. Be thankful your favorite forum isn't down!
4. Be thankful you don't have The Good Times virus!
5. Be thankful your server isn't down!
6. Be thankful for a vast selection of Web sites to browse!
7. Be thankful no one knows who you really are!
8. Be thankful someone sent you a cyber sundae, and you didn't gain a pound!
9. Be thankful your 28 year old cyberfriend really isn't 72!
10. Be thankful for a fast Internet connnection!
11. Be thankful no one sent you a cyber voo-doo doll!