Computer Jokes — worst jokes

It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter. The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife ended up on a flight the day after her husband.

The husband made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email. Unfortunately, he didn't notice he had misspelled his wife's email address.

In South Carolina, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who had been called to glory just a few days earlier. She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor.

The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message:

To My Loving Wife:
I've just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.
Your Devoted Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

In Heaven:

• The cooks are French
• The policemen are English
• The mechanics are German
• The lovers are Italian
• The bankers are Swiss

In Hell:

• The cooks are English
• The policemen are German
• The mechanics are French
• The lovers are Swiss
• The bankers are Italian

In Computer Heaven:

• The management is from Intel
• The design and construction is done by Apple
• The marketing is done by Microsoft
• IBM provides the support
• Gateway determines the pricing

In Computer Hell:

• The management is from Apple
• Microsoft does design and construction
• IBM handles the marketing
• The support is from Gateway
• Intel sets the price

These are fabricated corporate slogans that would never have made if far if they entered the real world.

Microsoft: "How much are you going to pay today?"
MTV: "Loud and easy to spell."
Saks 5th Avenue: "You Could Shop Here if You're Poor, But That Would be Stupid!"
Iguana: "The other green meat."
Nike: "Just buy the shoes, you flabby spineless lump!"
Daisy Air Rifles: "Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty years."
Canon Photocopiers: "Quit calling them Xeroxes!"
Apple MacIntosh: "Hey, we thought of it first!"
Radio Shack: "You've got questions, we've got geek losers!"
Professional Bowling on NBC: "Oh, why don't you just go ahead and kill yourself instead?"

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1. They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus. It's a bug.

You've been programming too long when...

• When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
• When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
• When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
• When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.
• When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"
• When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
• When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.
• When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
• When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
• When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

In Heaven:

• The cooks are French
• The policemen are English
• The mechanics are German
• The lovers are Italian
• The bankers are Swiss

In Hell:

• The cooks are English
• The policemen are German
• The mechanics are French
• The lovers are Swiss
• The bankers are Italian

In Computer Heaven:

• The management is from Intel
• The design and construction is done by Apple
• The marketing is done by Microsoft
• IBM provides the support
• Gateway determines the pricing

In Computer Hell:

• The management is from Apple
• Microsoft does design and construction
• IBM handles the marketing
• The support is from Gateway
• Intel sets the price

Signs Your Partner Is Addicted to Internet Porn:

• During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot.
• His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue dispenser.
• When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll down."
• Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing."
• He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.
• Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee.
• When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on her."
• You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas.
• As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.
• During sex, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!"
• His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you... he pulls it down slowly for ten minutes.

Dear Editor,

I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was sentenced to death in the gas chamber. My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells drugs. Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I love this girl very much and want to marry her. My problem is this: Shall I tell her about my brother who works at Microsoft?

Sincerely,
Larry