Computer Jokes — worst jokes

A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their program manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof -- out pops a genie.

"Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you."

The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew."

"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.

The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest."

"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.

The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch."

Why did a group of Columbians run away from a computer lab.
→ Because the computer said you have performed an illegal operation and will be shutdown.

Ten ways to know that you're addicted to your computer:

10. When you begin to laugh you yell, LOL.
11. You tell your computer you love it, more than you tell your spouse.
12. Your house catches on fire and you run home to save your computer before your family.
13. Your computer is your ONLY friend.
14. You think cyber sex is better than real sex.
15. You type only in short hand (YO ROFLMAO I'LL BRB B4 U RTFM LOL).
16. You type 40 words a minute with two fingers.
17. Your twins are named RAM & ROM.
18. After breaking from your computer, you realize you have gained 40lbs, have grown hair in unusual places, your spouse and kids have left you, and Windows 3.1 is outdated.
19. YOU READ STUFF LIKE THIS!

486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete: Any computer you own.
Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say 'Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.'
Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.
GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced 'gooey')
Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. Now they're in heaven, and God is sitting on the great golden throne.

God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?" Al replies, "Well, I believe that the internal combustion Engine is the root of all evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?" Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things, and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain, but not inhaling." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then addresses Bill Gates. "Bill Gates, what do you believe in?" Bill Gates said, "I believe you're in my chair."

This test was written by ME, Roger Carasso, for the UCB Psychology Department. It is intended to be used by companies that are recruiting on campus. With this test you can determine whether an applicant you are interviewing is a Robot, a Vulcan/Math MAjor, or a Liberal Arts major.

Tear off here, and administer test below to students

Answer Questions by circling the appropriate subjective choice.

1. If stranded on a deserted island, I would want _____
2. Shakespeare 1) Math books 2) Fluid oil
3. If I could have any job, I would be a _____
4. writer 1) professor 2) McDonald's employee
5. On weekends, I go to _____
6. The beach 1) The library 2) goto 10
7. My favorite hobby is _____
8. Poetry 1) Open math problems 2) memorizing
9. I have taken ______ English classes.
10. Many 1) Enough to communicate 2) for i=1 to ++x 10 goto 10
11. What is the quickest way to solve 2X+4=2?
12. Ask a Vulcan 1) In my head 2) Brute force with Cray 2 Supercomputer
13. What have you learned in school that you value the most?
14. Latin 1) How to operate my HP-28C 2) Complex Analysis
15. In between classes, I like to _____
16. Talk with my friends 1) Study proofs 2) Add numbers on my calculator
17. When I have a report due, I type it on _____
18. My manual typewriter
19. The school's word processor
20. My calculator and then upload it to a PC at 50 baud
21. Since coming to the University, I have gained many _____
22. Friends 1) Books 2) Calculator manuals
23. The best use of a computer is _____
24. A door stop 1) Graphing functions 2) Friends
25. When I go to a restaurant, I usually get _____
26. A hamburger 1) A twinkie 2) Thrown out
27. What part of speech is "interface"?
28. A noun 1) A noun and a verb 2) Not enough data
29. What do you consider to be paradise?
30. Total happiness 1) Total knowledge 2) Two calculators
31. What type of music do you like?
32. Popular music 1) Classical music 2) Static noise
33. What is your favorite game?
34. Monopoly 1) Chess 2) Data entry races
35. My favorite Movie show is _____
36. Ruthless People 1) Star Trek II 2) Short Circuit
37. If I had to know an equation on a test, I would _____
38. Write it on my arm
39. Derive it during test
40. Memorize it with flash cards all day for weeks
41. The person I marry must have _____
42. Beauty 1) Intelligence 2) An RS232 serial port
43. What I fear the most is _____
44. Death 1) Emotions 2) Water

Results: Simply add up the values of all your answers and look at the following table.
00-14 Liberal Arts
15-20 Vulcan/Math Major
21-40 Robot!!!

What have a blonde and a computer got in common?
→ You don't realise how much you miss them until they go down on you!

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. "Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.

After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

My son is so lazy he hates emptying the trash in the recycle bin on his computer.

If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!

To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"! If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.

Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.

To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.

To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.

To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.

If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.

When you loose your car keys, click on find.

"Help" with the chores is just a click away.

Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary. You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.

And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a Pizza would be on it's way to you.