Computer Jokes — worst jokes

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."

Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responded, "120." So the robot started talking about the superbowl, dirt bikes, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."

A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replied, "80."

The robot then said, "So, how are things in Poland these days?"

Top Ten Ways A Computer Nerd Can Impress His Date

10. Flash the big wads of tens and twenties you created with your color laser printer and top-notch graphics program.
11. Spend an evening playing floppy disks backward, listening for the secret messages about Satan.
12. Invite her back to your place to show her the etchings on your Newton MessagePad.
13. Let the lady go first when you reach the virtual reality escalator.
14. Serenade her with your MIDI-compatible drum pads.
15. Have your dinner illuminated by the soft glow of an active-matrix LCD panel.
16. If you're getting serious, consider a set of "his 'n' her" system unit keys.
17. Drive her crazy by murmuring tender love words with the help of a French-speaking voice synthesizer.
18. Never type on your date's laptop computer without permission, particularly if the system is on her lap.
19. When things get tough, simply ask yourself, "What would Bill Gates do in a situation like this?"

There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.

This is not believed to be a coincidence.

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

• USA Today: WE'RE DEAD
• The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
• National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
• Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
• Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
• Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
• Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER
• Wired: THE LAST NEW THING
• Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
• Readers Digest: 'BYE
• Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
• TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
• Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
• America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
• Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
• Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE

How do you spot a modern spider?
→ He doesn't have a web he had a website!

Reasons computers must be male

• They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
• A better model is always just around the corner.
• They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
• It is always necessary to have a backup.
• They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
• The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
• The lights are on but nobody's home.

The top six reasons computers must be female:

6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
7. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
8. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
9. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
10. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

Some reasons why a modem is better than a woman:

• A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it.
• Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing "AT".
• When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.
• A modem won't say a word if you come home late.
• A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it.
• A modem will always wait patiently by the phone.
• You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out.
• A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem.
• A virus you catch from your modem doesn't require a trip to the doctor.
• You don't have to bring a modem home to meet your parents.
• If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about.
• Modems come with an instruction manual.
• Modems have a volume control - you can even turn the sound OFF.

One night, a few co-workers at the computer data centre where I work stayed late and we all started to get hungry. We decided to order in food by phone, but our boss thought that, since we work with computers, it would be more appropriate to order by Internet. After we contacted a fast food chain's web site and spent a long time registering as new customers for the delivery service, a message appeared on the screeen: "Thank you for your business. You will be able to order food in three days."

Gerrad, a friend of mine, bought a computer, even though he had never even used a typewriter before. After investigating the computer, he decided to call the help line. A friendly voice explained step by step how his new machine worked. All went well until the voice told him to press the space bar. After studying the keyboard, Gerrad said; "I've got the latest model and it doesn't have a space bar." But after further explanation, he managed to find it.

A week later, Gerrad again had problems and called the help line. An instructor was then sent to his house for training. But after a few minutes, Gerrad's head was spinning. "You don't need to go any further," he sighed, "I don't understand a thing."

To cheer him up, the instructor said: "Hey, there are people who understand a lot less than you. Last week we had someone on the phone who didn't even know where the space bar was!"