Computer Jokes — best jokes

My son is so lazy he hates emptying the trash in the recycle bin on his computer.

If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!

To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"! If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.

Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.

To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.

To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.

To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.

If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.

When you loose your car keys, click on find.

"Help" with the chores is just a click away.

Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary. You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.

And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a Pizza would be on it's way to you.

You know how they use to give immigrants a test when they came to America? Well the last question on the test was to use pink, green and yellow in a sentence. So when the Mexican had his turn he answered the last question: "When the phone goes 'GREEN GREEN GREEN' I PINK it up and say 'YELLOW?'"

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt. 2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. 3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with. 6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again. 7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files. 9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know. 10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on. 11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously. 12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing. 13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.14. Light candles around your terminal before starting. 15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot." 16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes. 17. "DISK FIGHT!!!" 18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw. 20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required. 21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless. 22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2" disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor. 23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those. 24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line. 25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you. 26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Grind some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger. 27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave. 28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you. 29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic. 30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions. 31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working. 32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking. 33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way. 34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse. 35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it. 36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun. 37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best. 38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab. 39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does your delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.) 41. Stare at the screen of the person next to you, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go. 42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again. 43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them. 44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger. 45. Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost. 46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out. 48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week". 50. Two words: Tesla Coil.

TOP TEN NEW INTEL SLOGANS FOR THE PENTIUM 9.9999973251 It's a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug8.9999163362 It's the new math 7.9999414610 Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes 6.9999831538 You Don't Need to Know What's Inside 5.9999835137 Redefining the PC -- and Mathematics As Well 4.9999999021 We Fixed It, Really 3.9998245917 Division Considered Harmful2.9991523619 Why Do You Think They Call It Floating Point? 1.9999103517 We're Looking for a Few Good Flaws0.9999999998 The Errata Inside

DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Mac Beer: At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer: The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer: Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer: You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer: The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer: Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.

Have you been spending more and more time using the Internet? Have your cheeks taken on that pasty white glow from over-exposure to your computer monitor? How do you know if you're addicted to the Net and losing touch with reality? Take the Net Addict's Reality Test.

Answer the following multiple choice questions and check out your score to see if you should be concerned:What do you think are good names for children?a) Scott and Jenny.b) Bill Gates IV.c) Mozilla and Dotcom. What's a telephone?a) A thing with a round dial you use to talk to others.b) A telecommunications device with 12 keys.c) Something you plug into a modem. Which punctuation is most correct?a) I had a wonderful day!b) I had a wonderful day!!!c) I had a wonderful day :-) You wake up at 4:00 a.m. and decide to:a) Visit the washroom.b) Raid the fridge.c) Check your E-mail. What are RAM and ROM?a) A male sheep and a city in Italy.b) Hulking stars of the WWF.c) I need more of the former and should upgrade the latter. To avoid a virus you should:a) Stay away from people who sneeze and cough.b) Never read E-mail titled "Good Times".c) Use virus scanning software every time you boot up. When you want to buy something hard-to-find you:a) Ask friends where to purchase it.b) Check out the Yellow Pages.c) Go to Yahoo! When you don't understand how to use a new appliance you:a) Call the retailer.b) Call the manufacturer's toll-free number.c) Visit the manufacturer's Web site and look for the FAQ. When you want to see all the beautiful people you:a) Visit a club on a Saturday night.b) Turn on the TV and tune in to Baywatch.c) Check out the alt.binary newsgroups. How do you introduce yourself at a party?a) Hi, I'm Jane!b) Hi, I'm a Taurus on the cusp.c) Hi, I'm a 5'10" hot blonde with a super bod. When you're interested in someone at a party you say:a) Tell me more about yourself.b) What's your star sign?c) What's your Profile? If you really like the person, you say:a) Could you tell me your phone number?b) What's your E-mail address?c) Let's chat Private. When I say spam, you think:a) Ham in a can.b) Unsolicited advertising E-mail.c) I mailbomb all spammers! When you receive an AOL trial diskette, you say:a) I don't need another mug coaster.b) Great! I'll reformat and use it for backups.c) Great! I'll sign up under a fake ID and use up the 50 hours. When you want to research a reference you:a) Open up a volume of your encyclopedia.b) Slip Encarta in your CD-ROM drive.c) Go to www.altavista.digital.com. When you write a letter you:a) Put pencil to paper.b) Open Eudora.c) Ask: What's a letter? Is it like E-mail? Different types of text formatting include:a) Writing and printing.b) Underline and double-strike.c) Bold and italic. You correct errors using:a) An eraser.b) White-out.c) Backspace or delete. You sign your name:a) Best regards, John Smith.b) See you in IRC, John_Smith.c) Check out my home page for the cool links, johnsmith@aol.com. To keep a copy of your letter you:a) Insert a carbon and a second sheet.b) Take it to the photocopier.c) Check your Sent Mail folder.

SCORING:Give yourself zero points for each "a" response, five for each "b" and 10 for each "c".

If you scored 150 or higher, unplug your computer and log more hours in real life. If you scored between 50 and 145, you're living a good mix of Net and reality. If you scored under 50, you probably didn't read this far.

Microsoft announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression. "We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a "general protection fault" or "illegal operation" warning. We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror. The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages.

My computer crashed and died today And I thought, "oh well what the hey" Now I'd have time to clean my house And see if I still had a spouseIt started out with weird frustrations Combined with mild heart palpitations And then my ankles began to swell Withdrawal symptoms from no AOLChills ran up and down my spine Oh, God I had to get on-line To greet my buds and check my mail I began to feel helpless and frailThen I remembered the Good Guy's Store And all those computers by the door I'd go there and when alone With no one looking I'd sign-onI stepped up to a computer, clicked on AOL The Sign-On screen came up, man it sure looked swell I clicked on the Guest name, then came the modem soundI was having cold-sweats, as my heart began to poundThen I typed my password, and the computer said, "Goodbye" And that's what I kept hearing each time that I would try. This was just an evil plot, the store was playing tricks If only they had known how bad I need my AOL fixI ...slowly... typed... my... password... then...

I... stood....and...waited The darned thing said , "Goodbye" again and I got real frustrated That's when I shoved the keyboard thru the monitor screen And the last thing I remember is my loud shrieking screamWhen I woke I was handcuffed being booked I think I asked the data entry cop, if he'd get me a drink Now I'm sitting in his chair, and I know I can get well If I can just use his computer to sign on AOL.

Things You Don't Want Your Sysadmin To Say1. Uh-oh...2. Oh S***!3. What the heck?!?4. Go get your backup tape. (You DO have a backup tape?)5. That's SOOOOO bizarre.6. Wow!! Look at this...7. Hey!! The Suns don't do this.8. Terminated?!?9. What software license?!?10. Well, it's doing SOMETHING...11. Wow...that seemed fast...12. I got a better job at Lockheed...13. Management says...14. Sorry, the new equipment didn't get budgeted.15. What do you mean that wasn't a copy?16. It didn't do that a minute ago...17. Where's the GUI on this thing?18. Damn, and I just bought that Coke...19. Where's the DIR command?20. The drive ate the tape but that's OK, I brought my screwdriver.21. I cleaned up the root partition and now there's LOTS of free space.22. What's this "any" key I'm supposed to press?23. Do you smell something?24. What's that grinding sound?25. I have never seen it do THAT before...26. I don't think it should be doing that...27. I remember the last time I saw it do that...28. You might as well all go home early today...29. My leave starts tomorrow.30. Oops! (said in a quiet, almost surprised voice)31. Hmm, maybe if I do this...32. Why is my "rm -R *" taking so long?"33. Hmmm, curious...34. Well, MY files were backed up.35. What do you mean you needed that directory?36. What do you mean /home was on that disk? I umounted it!37. Do you really need your home directory to do any work?38. I didn't think anybody would be doing any work at 2am, so I killed your job.39. Yes, I chowned all the files to belong to pvcs. Is that a problem to you?40. We're standardizing on AIX.41. Wonder what THIS command does?42. What did you say your (1)user name was...? ;-)