Computer Jokes — worst jokes

Top ten indicators that a redneck has been working on your computer

10. The monitor is up on blocks.
11. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
12. The six front keys have rotted out.
13. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.
14. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
15. The password is "Huntin".
16. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
17. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
18. The keyboard is camouflaged.
19. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.
11. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.
12. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
13. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
14. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.
15. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"
16. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.
17. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons
18. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."
19. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."

10. Accidental switch back to 19,000 Leagues Under the Sea.
11. Screwed up computers report EuroDisney turning a profit.
12. Air traffic control glitch causes Dumbo to smack into a DC-10.
13. The "It's a Small World After All" creatures go on a rampage.
14. The Hall of Presidents keeps chanting "Kill Clinton, kill Clinton."
15. When you wish upon a star, nothing happens.
16. Unexpected power surge brings an angry Walt Disney back to life.
17. "Main Street Electrical Parade" becomes "Main Street Two Guys With Plastic Flashlights Parade."
18. Ticket machine accidentally dispenses day passes for less than $600.
19. Two words: catapulting teacups.

10. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?"
11. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.
12. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.
13. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"
14. You're suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.
15. Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.
16. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.
17. Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" e-mail from your Mom.
18. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.
19. "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately."

• Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
• Fetch command not available on all platforms.
• Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
• Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
• Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
• Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
• Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
• Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
• Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
• Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
• Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
• Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
• Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
• Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
• SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
• SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
• Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.
• Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
• Too Hard To Type With Paws.

• The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
• The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
• The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
• The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
• AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.
• Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.
• The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty colors and lights.
• The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
• Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
• If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
• The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
• AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
• AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
• Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
• It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
• AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
• Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?
• It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
• AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
• AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
• Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."

You might be an Internet addict if...

• You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.
• Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.
• Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.
• You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
• You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com".
• Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.
• You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
• Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
• All of your friends have an @ in their names.
• When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
• Your dog has its own home page.
• You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.
• You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
• Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.
• You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
• You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
• Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months.
• You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
• You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job.
• You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
• Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
• You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher."
• You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.
• The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.
• You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
• Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
• As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

Signs you took Y2K too serious:

• You didn't find out that nothing happened for a week because you were holed up in your cellar.
• You don't have to go to the grocery store for a year.
• You invited the local football team over to eat twice this week, and you still have food left!
• You have no savings left because you used it to prepare.
• You spent the first week of the new year digging up all your valubles.
• You went to the bank on Monday and deposited $2000 of one and five dollar bills.
• You went ahead and had your water shut off, so you could use your stored bottled water.
• You were depressed because nothing happened !!

• You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.
• You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
• Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.
• The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.
• The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.
• The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.
• If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really are important to us."
• Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, "WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE."
• Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back.
• You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation.
• You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up.
• The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.

The top signs that your net relationship is over:

• All of a sudden, she's typing in a different font.
• Instead of hearing that lovely "You've Got Mail" statement when you use America OnLine, you hear "You Just Got Dumped!"
• Your connection to his server is constantly refused.
• You get a Dear John E-mai...
• Your name is Fred.
• They no longer have access to a computer due to a recent parole.
• She starts ending each sentence with only 1 exclamation mark instead of the usual 3!!!
• She tells you that she's been working a lot. You think its a professional job, it turns out that she was responsible for the decorations at her Jr High prom!!
• During an intimate moment in a chat room, she reveals herself to be GRANDMA!!