Animal Jokes — worst jokes

Have you heard about the elephant that went on a crash diet?
→ He wrecked three cars, a bus and two fire engines!

Why do elephants eat raw food?
→ Because they don't know how to cook!

Why did the elephant eat the candle?
→ For light refreshment!

How can you tell if there is an elephant in your dessert?
→ You get very lumpy ice cream!

What kind of elephants live in Antartica?
→ Cold ones!

How do you fit five elephants into a car?
→ Two in the front, two in the back and the other in the glove compartment!

How does an elephant get out of a small car?
→ The same way that he got in!

Why do elephants have trunks?
→ Because they would look silly carrying suitcases!

What's the difference between an injured elephant and bad weather?
→ One roars with pain and the other pours with rain!

What's the difference between an elephant and a post box?
→ I don't know!
→ Well I'm not asking you to post my letters!

What's the difference between an elephant and a bad pupil?
→ One rarely bites and the other barely writes!

How to you tell the difference between an elephant and a mouse?
→ Try picking them up!

What's the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper?
→ You can't make a paper aeroplane out of an elephant!

What's the difference between an elephant and a banana?
→ Have you ever tried to peel an elephant?

What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?
→ About 3,000 miles!

What's the difference between an elephant and a gooseberry?
→ A gooseberry is green!

Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?
→ So he could hide in the cherry tree!

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
→ Big holes all over Australia!

What's the difference between a sick elephant and seven days?
→ One is a weak one and the other one week!

What pill would you give to an elephant that can't sleep?
→ Trunkquilizers!

Why are elephants grey?
→ So you can tell them from flamingos!

- Elephant Keeper: My Elephant isn't well, do you know a good animal doctor?

- Zoo Keeper: No, all the doctors I know are people!

Why do elephants scratch themselves?
→ Because they're the only ones who know where they itch!

How does an elephant get down from a tree?
→ He sits on a leaf and waits till autumn!

Why did the elephant paint himself with different colours?
→ Because he wanted to hide in the colouring box!

How do you know that peanuts are fattening?
→ Have you ever seen a skinny elephant?

What grey, has a wand, huge wings and gives money to elephants?
→ The tusk fairy!

What has 3 tails, 4 trunks and 6 feet?
→ An elephant with spare parts!

What's grey but turns red?
→ An embarrassed elephant!

What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
→ Cinderelephant!

When should you feed milk to a baby elephant?
→ When it's a baby elephant!

How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?
→ When your nose touches the ceiling!

What do you call an elephant that flies?
→ A jumbo jet!

What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
→ Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

What's grey, has four legs and jumps up and down?
→ An elephant on a trampoline!

What's grey and wrinkly and jumps every twenty seconds?
→ An elephant with hiccups!

What's grey and goes round and round?
→ An elephant in a washing machine!

What's grey and highly dangerous?
→ An elephant with a machine gun!

What's big and grey and lives in a lake in Scotland?
→ The Loch Ness Elephant!

What's big and grey and has 16 wheels?
→ An elephant on roller skates!

What goes up slowly and comes down quickly?
→ An elephant in a lift!

What's as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?
→ An elephant's shadow!

What's big and grey with horns?
→ An elephant marching band!

What's yellow on the outside and grey on the inside?
→ An elephant disguised as a banana!

What's big, grey and flies straight up?
→ An elecopter!

What's grey, carries a bunch of flowers and cheers you up when your ill?
→ A get wellephant!

What's grey and never needs ironing?
→ A drip dry elephant!

What's big and grey and red?
→ A sunburnt elephant!

What did the hotel manager say to the elephant that couldn't pay his bill?
→ "Pack your trunk and clear out!"

How do you get an elephant into a matchbox?
→ Take all the matches out first!

What weighs 4 tons and is bright red?
→ An elephant holding its breath!

What time is it when an elephant sits on the fence?
→ Time to fix the fence!

What's grey, stands in a river when it rains and doesn't get wet?
→ An elephant with an umbrella!

What's grey with red spots?
→ An elephant with the measles!

Why does an elephant wear sneakers?
→ So that he can sneak up on mice!

What's big and grey and wears a mask?
→ The elephantom of the opera!

What's grey and moves at a hundred miles an hour?
→ A jet propelled elephant!

Why did the elephant cross the road?
→ Because the chicken was having a day off!

What do you call an elephant at the North Pole?
→ Lost!

Why were the elephants thrown out of the swimming pool?
→ Because they couldn't hold their trunks up!

What happens to a dog that keeps eating bits off of the table?
→ He gets splinters in his mouth!

What kind of dog chases anything red?
→ A bull dog!

What kind of dog wears a uniform and medals?
→ A guard dog!

What do you call a dog in jeans and a sweater?
→ A plain clothes police dog!

What do you get if you cross a dog and a skunk?
→ Rid of the dog!

What do you get if you cross a computer and a Rottweiller?
→ A computer with a lot of bites!

What do you get if you cross a dog with a kangaroo?
→ A dog that has somewhere to put its own lead!

What do you get if you cross a dog and a sheep?
→ A sheep that can round itself up!

What do you get if you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle and a rooster?
→ Cockerpoodledoo!

What do you call a sheepdog's tail that can tell tall stories?
→ A shaggy dogs tale!

Why do dogs run in circles?
→ Because its hard to run in squares!

How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster?
→ Terrier-fied!

What do you get if you cross a gun dog with a telephone?
→ A golden receiver!

What do you get if you cross a Beatle and an Australian dog?
→ Dingo Starr!

What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a jelly?
→ The collie wobbles!

What do you call a black Eskimo dog?
→ A dusky husky!

What do you get if you cross a dog with a frog?
→ A dog that can lick you from the other side of the road!

When does a dog go "moo"?
→ When it is learning a new language!

What kind of meat do you give a stupid dog?
→ Chump chops!

How many seasons are there in a dogs life?
→ Just one, the moulting season!

What do you call a dog with no legs?
→ It doesn't matter what you call him, he still won't come!

Why is it called a "litter" of puppies?
→ Because they mess up the whole house!

How do you stop a dog smelling?
→ Put a peg on it's nose!

What is the best time to take a Rottweiler for a walk?
→ Any times he wants to!

When is a black dog not a black dog?
→ When it's a greyhound!

How do you feel if you cross a sheepdog with a melon?
→ Melon-collie!

What do you get if cross two young dogs with a pair of headphones?
→ Hush puppies!

What do you call a litter of young dogs who have come in from the snow?
→ Slush puppies!