Animal Jokes — worst jokes

What do you get if you cross a cow with a camel?
→ Lumpy milkshakes!

What is the definition of a goose?
→ An animal that grows down as it grows up!

Why did Bo Peep lose her sheep?
→ She had a crook with her!

What do you give a pony with a cold?
→ Cough Stirrup!

What animal always goes to bed with its shoes on?
→ A horse!

What happens when geese land in a volcano?
→ They cook their own gooses!

What do you call a pig with no clothes on?
→ Streaky bacon!

What is a horse's favorite sport?
→ Stable tennis!

What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?
→ An udder failure!

What do you give a sick pig?
→ Oinkment!

What do you get if you all sit under a cow?
→ A pat on the head!

What's the best way to make a bull sweat?
→ Put him in a tight jumper!

What do you call a pig that took a plane?
→ Swine flu!

What kind of doctor treats ducks?
→ A quack!

What did the well mannered sheep say to his friend at the field gate?
→ Afer ewe!

Why did the ram fall over the cliff?
→ He didn't see the ewe turn!

What do cows like to dance to?
→ Any kind of moosic you like!

Where do sheep get shorn?
→ At the baa baas!

What do you get if you cross a steer with a tadpole?
→ A bullfrog!

Why did the bull rush?
→ Because it saw the cow slip!

What kind of bird lays electric eggs?
→ A battery hen!

What do you call an arctic cow?
→ An eskimoo!

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
→ A brick-layer!

How do you fit more pigs on your farm?
→ Build a sty-scraper!

Why does a rooster watch TV?
→ For hentertainment!

What do you get from a drunk chicken?
→ Scotch eggs!

What do you call a crate of ducks?
→ A box of quackers!

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a bell?
→ A bird that has to wring its own neck!

Why shouldn't you take an elephant to the zoo?
→ Because he'd rather go to the movies!

What's blue and has big ears?
→ An elephant at the North Pole!

What's grey and lights up?
→ An electric elephant!

What's big and grey and protects you from the rain?
→ An umbrellaphant!

What do you do with a green elephant?
→ Wait till it ripens!

What is the difference between an elephant and a flea?
→ An elephant can have fleas but a flea can't have elephants!

A boy with an elephant on his head went to see a doctor. The doctor said, "You know you really need help"
"Yes I do", said the elephant, "get this kid off my foot!"

What happened to the elephant who ran away with the circus?
→ The police made him bring it back!

Why are elephants wiser than chickens?
→ Have you ever heard of Kentucky Fried Elephant?!

What do you call an elephant that can't do sums?
→ Dumbo!

Why did the elephant walk on two feet?
→ To give the ants a chance!

Why do elephants have trunks?
→ Because they've no pockets to put things in!

Why did the elephant jump in the lake when it began to rain?
→ To stop getting wet!

What do elephants do in the evenings?
→ Watch elevision!

How to elephants talk to each other?
→ By 'elephone!

What did the zoo keeper say when he saw four elephants walking over the hill towards him wearing sunglasses?
→ Nothing, he didn't recognize them!

When do elephants have 8 feet?
→ When there are two of them!

What did the elephant say to the famous detective?
→ It's ele-mentary, my dear Sherlock!

- Zoo Keeper: I've lost one of my elephants

- Other Zoo Keeper: Why don't you put an advert in the paper?

- Zoo Keeper: Don't be silly, he can't read!

What do you do if you find a blue elephant?
→ Try and cheer him up!

What do you call an elephant creeping through the jungle in the middle of the night?
→ Russell!

A man was sprinkling some white powder on his lawn.
"Why are you doing that?" asked his neighbour.
"It's to keep the elephants off the grass", he replied.
"But we don't get elephants round here!"
"I know - good stuff isn't it!"

What do you call an elephant with a rabbit up it's sweater?
→ Warren!

What do you call the rabbit up the elephant's sweater?
→ Terrified!

What do you call someone with an elephant on their head?
→ Squashed!

Who lost a herd of elephants?
→ Big bo peep!

What is an elephants favorite film?
→ Elephantasia

What do elephants say as a compliment?
→ You look elephantastic!

What do you do with old cannon balls?
→ Give them to elephants to use as marbles!

What animals were last to leave the ark?
→ The elephants as they had to pack their trunks!

What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
→ Sir!

What can an elephant with a machine gun call you?
→ Anything he likes!

What do you call an elephant that's small and pink?
→ A failure!

What is stronger an elephant or a snail?
→ A snail, because it carries it's house, an elephant just carries its trunk!

What do you give an elephant with big feet?
→ Plenty of room!

Tarzan was tired when he came home.
"What have you been doing", asked Jane.
"Chasing a herd of elephants on vines"
"Really?", said Jane. "I thought elephants stayed on the ground!"

What would happen if an elephant sat in front of you at the movies?
→ You would miss most of the film!

What steps would you take if you were being chased by an elephant?
→ Big ones!

What do you find in an elephants graveyard?
→ Elephantoms!

Why do elephants have wrinkly ankes?
→ Because their shoes are too tight!

Why don't elephants like playing cards in the jungle?
→ Because of all the cheetahs!

What do you call a elephant that never washes?
→ A smellyphant!

- Teacher: Where would you find an elephant?

- Pupil: You don't have to find them, they're too big to lose!

What do you call an elephant with a carrot in each ear?
→ Anything you want as he can't hear you!

- Teacher: To which family does the elephant belong?

- Pupil: I don't know, nobody I know owns one!

How do you spell elephant?

- E-l-l-e-e-f-a-n-t

- That's not how the dictionary spells it

- You didn't ask me how the dictionary spelt it!

- Teacher: Name six wild animals

- Pupil: Four elephants and two lions!

What do you call an elephant that lies across the middle of a tennis court?
→ Annette!

- Bill: My homework is really difficult tonight, I've to write an essay on an elephant.

- Bert: Well, for a start your going to need a big ladder..

Why do elephants do well in school?
→ Because they have a lot of grey matter!

How do you hire an elephant?
→ Stand it on four bricks!

What is the easy way to get a wild elephant?
→ Get a tame one and annoy it!

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming?
→ Here come the elephants!

Why is an elephant braver than a hen?
→ Because the elephant isn't chicken!

What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
→ Raining elephants!

How are elephants and hippopotanuses alike?
→ Neither can play basketball!

How do you stop an angry elephant from charging?
→ Take away it's credit cards!

What did the baby elephant get when the daddy elephant sneezed?
→ Out of the way!

How do you raise a baby elephant?
→ With a fork lift truck!

What's the best way to see a charging herd of elephants?
→ On television!

What to you get if you cross a parrot with an elephant?
→ An animal that tells you everything that it remembers!

What is a baby elephant after he is five weeks old?
→ Six weeks old!

What did the elephant say when the man grabbed him by the tail?
→ This is the end of me!

- Policeman: One of your elephants has been seen chasing a man on a bicycle.

- Zoo Keeper: Nonsense, none of my elephants knows how to ride a bicycle!

Why do the elephants have short tails?
→ Because they can't remember long stories!

How to you keep an elephant in suspense?
→ I'll tell you tomorrow!

- Dad, Mum is fighting with an enormous elephant in the garden!

- Don't worry dear, I'm sure the elephant can look after itself!

- My elephants got no trunk?

- How does it smell?

- Terrible!

What do elephants sing at christmas?
→ Noel-ephants, Noel-ephants...

Who do elephants get their christmas presents from?
→ Elephanta Claus!