Worst jokes

- There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.

- Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods... Cats have never forgotten this.

- Here's proof that Cats are smarter than dogs... You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

- Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later.

- People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life.

- Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God!

- Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel.

- I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.

- My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes.

- Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit!

A guy walked into a pet store looking for a Christmas gift for his wife. The storekeeper said he knew exactly what would please her and took a little bird out of its cage.

- This is Chet - he said.

- and Chet can sing Christmas carols and songs.

Seeing the look of disbelief on the customer's face, he proceeded to demonstrate.

- He needs warming up - he said.

- Lend me your cigarette lighter.

The storekeeper lifted Chet's left wing and waved the flame lightly under it. Immediately, Chet sang: Oh Come, All Ye Faithful.

- That's fantastic - said the customer.

- And listen to this - said the storekeeper, warming Chet's other wing.

Chet sang: O Little Town of Bethlehem.

- Wrap him up - said the customer.

- I'll take him!

When he got home he greeted his wife:

- Honey, I can't wait until Christmas to show you what I got you. This is fantastic.

He unwrapped Chet's cage and showed the bird to his wife.

- Now, watch and listen.

He raised Chet's left wing and held him over a Christmas candle that was burning on the mantlepiece. Chet immediately began to sing Silent Night. The wife was delighted. As Chet's right wing was warmed over the flame, he sang Joy To The World.

- Let me try it - said the wife, seizing he bird. In her eagerness, she held Chet a little too close to the candle flame. Chet began to sing passionately:

- Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire!

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.

Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said:

- Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?

At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.

The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse:

- Come on, nurse!!!... I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!

Some things I've learned from my children:

- Super glue is forever.

- No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. Pool filters do not like Jell-O!

- A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

- Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

- Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of 20 by 20 foot room.

- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. And the glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

- Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

- VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.

- Always look in the oven before you turn it on. It's been proven that plastic toys do not like ovens.

- Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

- If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Three doctors arrived in heaven. St. Peter asked the first one why he should be let into heaven.

The doctor said:

- Because I won the Nobel Peace Prize for my work.

The second doctor was a little worried when his turn came. He said:

- I haven't won any prizes, but I've started free clinics and helped those in need for free.

St. Peter let him in.

The third doctor said:

- I'm responsible for all the HMO's across the United States.

St. Peter thought about it for a minute and said:

- OK... I'll let you in, but only for three days!

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.

Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.

- No - the inmate said.

- just get it over with.

- Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go? - said the guard.

- You didn't even want a special last meal!

The inmate thought.

- Actually - he said.

- Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions.

The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.

The inmate started singing:

- One billion bottles of beer on the wall...

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say:

- Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl, and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed:

- Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?

- Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came.

I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says:

- Someone should go and tell his wife.

Bill says:

- OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.

2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.

Charlie says:

- Where did you get that, Bill?

- Steve's wife gave it to me.

- That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?

Bill says:

- Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow.'

- 'No, I'm not a widow.' - she said.

And I said:

- Wanna bet me a six-pack?

Things that can and do bother the "normal" person.

- Having to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thingy in the middle of them.

- The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle. The same person that gives you a "blank stare" when you look at them.

- There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.

- You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

- It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug. Especailly since you don't even have a dog!

- There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

- You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

- Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.

- You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.

- You slice your tongue licking an envelope...

OUCH!

- Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.

- You wash a garment with one tiny tissue in the pocket, and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.

- A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling...

DOUBLE OUCH!

- People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.

- You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it!

- You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.

- You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

How do you keep a idiot occupied?

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(he-he)(woo-hoo!) (yee-haa!)