Worst jokes

What kind of bunny drinks coffee?
→ Mugs bunny!

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

- I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession.

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.

- I'm a cop - says the first man.

- Then we will shoot your penis off! - said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

- I'm a firemen - said the second man.

- Then we will burn your penis off! - said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man:

- And you, what do you do for a living?

And the third man answered, with a sly grin:

- I'm a lollipop salesman!

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

- C'mon, tell me - she asked for the thousandth time:

- how many women have you slept with?

- Baby - he protested:

- if I told you, you'd throw a fit.

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

- Okay - he said, then started to count on his fingers:

- One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen.....

The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e. relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established below.

How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
→ Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.

Should I have sex on the first date?
→ YES. Before if possible.

What exactly happens during the act of sex?
→ Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

How long should the sex act last?
→ This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

What is "after play"?
→ After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "After play" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Does the size of the penis matter?
→ Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.

What about the female orgasm?
→ What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth!

Your Momma's teeth are so yellow that when she smiles people SLOW DOWN!

Why did Bill Clinton quit playing the saxaphone?
→ Because he went to the hormonica!

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed.

However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked:

- Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?

- Ever go fishing? - the policeman suddenly asked the man.

- Ummm, yeah... - the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added:

- Ever catch all the fish?

Why didn't the monster make the football team?
→ Because he threw like a ghoul!

This is deadly serious, so don't ignore it. Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system.

Beware of...

- THE CLINTON Virus....(Gives you a 6 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)

- THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus...(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)

- THE LEWINSKY virus...(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)

- THE RONALD REAGAN virus....(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)

- THE MIKE TYSON virus....(Quits after two bytes)

- THE OPRAH WINFREY virus....(Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to stabilize around 200mb)

- THE JACK KAVORKIAN virus....(Deletes all old files)

- THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus...(Disks can no longer be inserted)

- THE PROZAC virus....(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)

- THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus...(Only attacks minor files)

- THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)

...and last but not least...

THE LORENA BOBBITT virus...(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and proudly announced to the first man:

- Congratulations, sir. You're the father of twins!

- What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins Baseball team!

Later the nurse returned and congratulated the second father on the birth of his triplets.

- Wow! That's incredible! I work for the 3M Corporation.

An hour later, the nurse returned to congratulate the third man on the birth of his quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply:

- I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!

After this, everyone turned to the fourth guy who had just fainted. The nurse rushed to his side. As he slowly gained consciousness, they could hear him mutter over and over:

- I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job....