Worst jokes

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant:

- What are you charged with?

- Doing my Christmas shopping early sir - replied the defendant.

- Well that's not an crime - said the judge!

- How early were you doing this shopping?

- Before the store opened - answered the prisoner.

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER OVER SEATTLE."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to the Seattle airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position?

The pilot responded:

- I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building, because similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but totally useless answer!

Some quick thinking to get out of the "caught napping jam!"...

- They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.

- Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout again!

- I wasn't sleeping! I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

- This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!

- I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?

- Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem!

- I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without using my hands.

- The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot!

The real interpretation of corportate titles:

CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD

- Leaps tall building in a single bound

- Is more powerful than a locomotive

- Is faster than a speeding bullet

- Walks on water

- Discusses policy with God

PRESIDENT

- Leaps short buildings in a single bound

- Is more powerful than a switch engine

- Is just as fast as a speeding bullet

- Walks on water if the sea is calm

- Talks with God

EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT

- Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.

- Is almost as powerful as a switch engine

- Is faster than a speeding BB.

- Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool

- Talks with God if special request is approved

VICE PRESIDENT

- Barely clears a Quonset hut

- Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive

- Can fire a speeding bullet

- Swims well

- Is occasionally addressed by God

GENERAL MANAGER

- Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings

- Is run over by locomotive

- Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury

- Dog paddles

- Talks to animals

MANAGER

- Runs into buildings

- Recognizes locomotive two out of three times

- Is not issued ammunition

- Can't stay afloat with a life preserver

- Talks to walls

TRAINEE

- Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter building

- Says "look at the choo-choo"

- Wets him/herself with a water pistol

- Plays in mud puddles

- Mumbles to him/herself

SECRETARY

- Lifts buildings and walks under them

- Kicks locomotives off the tracks

- Catches speeding bullets in his/her teeth

- Freezes water with a single glance

- To all of the above...is God!

If you're feeling a bit stressed, try these to deal with it...

• Dance naked in front of your pets.
• Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send them off to school as if nothing is wrong. (NOTE: this also works well with the hubby who stayed at the pub too long.)
• Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at once. (Always have a witness on hand, just in case you attempt the Guiness World Record)
• Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead.
• Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
• Find out what a frog in a blender "really" looks like. (Hamster in the microwave works well too.)
• Sit naked on a shelled hard boiled egg. ("Don't knock it until you try it!")
• Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
• Make up a language and ask people for directions. (Works great at 7-11's!)
• Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and place it back in the wrapper. (KIDS: make sure you make a nice note titled - For Daddy, I love you.)

NOTES and DISCLAIMERS:

If you are less than 18 years of age: always seek your parent's aproval before attempting any of the above. (Exemption: If the hamster bites you again, nuke him till he glows!)

If you are 18 years of age or older and even think about doing any of these: proceed to the nearest telephone book directory. Look up "clinical psychologist"... drive directly to the first one that accepts "walk-ins!"

There's this mushroom who walks into a bar one night. All he wants is one beer. So he goes up to the bar, hops up on the stool and asks the bartender for a beer.

- Bartender: Sorry mister, can't give it to ya.

- Mushroom: C'mon, just one beer..please?

- Bartender: Nope, can't do it.

The mushroom looks around and says again:

- C'mon, just..just one beer and then I'll leave you alone.

- Bartender: Look, for the last time... I'm not serving you the damn beer!

Finally the mushroom says to the bartender:

- Hey, c'mon man...

- I'm a Fun-gi!

Have some fun on your next shopping trip, try these...

• Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like, "Pick Me!! Pick Me!!"
• Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme to "Mission Impossible".
• When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "NO, NO! It's those voices again!"
• Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
• Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
• Look right into the security cameras, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
• When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
• Set up a tent in the Camping Department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bed and Bath aisle.
• Re-dress mannequins as you see fit.
• Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares."
• Make a trail of orange juice on the ground leading to the restrooms.
• Try bras on over your clothes. (works very well if you're a man)
• Run up to an employee, (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and yell at him, "I need tampons!"
• Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they are not looking.

- You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

- You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free."

- You believe "shallow gene pool" should have it's own box on the report card.

- You believe the staff room should have a Valium salt lick.

- When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.

- When you mention "vegetables" and you're not talking about a food group.

- You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.

- You wonder how some parents even managed to reproduce.

- You can't have children of your own, because there is no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it.

- You really encourage an obnoxious parent to check into home schooling.

Some possible titles for the new Bill Clinton movie:

- Dial M for Monica

- Saving Clinton's Privates

- All the President's Women

- The Lying King

- Free Willy

- Terms of Impeachment

- Driving Miss Monica

- Independent Counsel Day

- The Six Commandments

- The Full Monica

- President on a Hot Tin Roof

- Red Faced in October

- Honey, I Shrunk the Presidency

- Bedtime for Bubba

- The Me Lie Massacre!

When the AirForce 1 prepares to land, the Captain speaks over the intercom: "The seatbelt sign is on Mr. President, would you please put the stewardess in the upright position."