Situations — worst jokes

You might be a bad customer if:

• You escort people out of line for having 11 items in the "10 items or less" lane.
• You walk into a store at 10 minutes to close not knowing what you want and don't decide for another 30 minutes.
• You yell out what a GREAT TIPPER you are.
• You return the coffee because it's too hot.
• You order water with extra lemon (as if it was supposed to come with lemon).
• You ask for a discount. No reason specified, just that you should get one.
• You get annoyed if a hardware store, etc., does not have the most obscure component in stock, despite the fact that they haven't sold one in over 20 years.
• If you buy 10 cent candy to break a 20.
• You think the Pre-pay sign on the gas pump is for everyone but you.
• You buy an expensive dress and return it after the party.
• You can't read the signs or coupons correctly, insisting you're right and all the employees are wrong.
• While standing in front of the huge line up of TVs, you ask a salesman, "Is this all the TVs you have?"
• You dare ask for a discount at a resturaunt because your kids didn't like thier food after they showed their dislike by throwing said food on the walls and the floor.
• You chew out the manager of the local McDonald's for not cleaning up the place, while meanwhile, your kids proceed to launch ketchup packets at each other.
• You pay anything / everything in small change (especially pennies)

• "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
• "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
• "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
• "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you."
• "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"
• "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
• "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
• "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
• "Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"
• "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
• "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
• "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."
• "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!"
• "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
• "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
• "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
• "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
• "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
• "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
• "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday ---so we're having you put to sleep."
• "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas)

Signs you hired the wrong kid to mow your lawn:

• He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag.
• On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats.
• Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher.
• Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head.
• You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher.
• He's fascinated by the details of you home security system.
• Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings.
• Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus.
• Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks.
• No toes.

• ...there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?
• ...you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?
• ...there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?
• ...you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?
• ...you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.
• ...someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.
• ...a friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some.
• ...you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around.
• ...you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
• ...a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.
• ...your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.
• ...there's a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
• ...the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.
• ...someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card.
• ...the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.
• ...you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.

You are no longer "cool" when:

• You find yourself listening to talk radio.
• You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
• The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
• You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
• You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.
• You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.
• You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.
• You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
• When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
• When jogging is something you do to your memory.
• Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
• All the cars behind you flash their headlights.
• You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.
• You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.
• You actually ASK for your father's advice.
• You don't know how to operate a fax machine.
• When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.

• There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
• If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
• A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
• If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
• Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
• You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
• The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
• When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh" it's already too late.
• Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
• A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
• A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
• If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
• A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
• Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. Duplos will not.
• Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
• Super glue is forever.
• McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. Ditto Tarzan.
• No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. Pool filters do not like Jello.
• VCR's do not eject PB+J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
• Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
• Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
• You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
• Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
• The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
• The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
• Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
• A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

• Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way if they get angry they'll be a mile away -- and barefoot.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
• My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
• Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
• It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
• I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
• For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
• Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
• A closed mouth gathers no feet.
• If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
• Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
• Eat well - stay fit - die anyway.
• Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
• No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
• A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
• Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
• Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
• Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
• There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
• Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
• By the time you can make ends meet they move the ends.
• Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
• Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
• I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
• Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

• The Book Of Virtues By Bill Clinton
• The Amish Phone Directory
• Mike Tyson's Guide To Dating Etiquette
• George Foreman's Big Book Of Baby Names
• French Hospitality
• Everything Women Know About Men
• Everything Men Know About Women
• Dr. Kevorkian's Collection Of Motivational Speeches
• Different Ways To Spell Bob
• Career Opportunities For Liberal Arts Majors
• America's Most Popular Lawyers
• Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific Ocean
• The Wild Years-By Al Gore
• Things I Would Not Do For Money-By Dennis Rodman
• Human Rights Advances In China
• To All The Men I've Loved Before-By Ellen Degeneres
• The Engineer's Guide To Fashion
• My Plan To Find The Real Killers-By O. J. Simpson
• How To Land A Plane At Martha's Vineyard - By Jfk, Jr

• Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
• Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
• Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
• Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
• No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
• Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
• If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
• Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

• The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
• You were born somewhere else.
• You know how to eat an artichoke.
• The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.
• Your car has bulletproof windows.
• Left is right and right is wrong.
• Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
• Your mouse has only one ball.
• You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.
• You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.
• You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.
• You drive to your neighborhood block party.
• Your family tree contains 'significant others'.
• Your cat has it's own psychiatrist.
• You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.
• You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.
• More than clothes come out of the closets.
• When 'the Dead' are best live.
• You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
• Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
• More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.
• Smoking in your office is not optional.
• When you can't schedule a meeting because you must 'do lunch'.
• Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.
• Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.
• You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.
• You consult your horoscope before planning your day.
• A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.
• When all highways into the state say: 'no fruits'. All highways out of the state say: 'Go back'.
• You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.