Cards You'll Never See

- "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

- "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"

- "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

- "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you."

- "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"

- "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

- "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

- "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

- "Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"

- "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

- "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

- "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."

- "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!"

- "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

- "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

- "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."

- "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

- "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"

- "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

- "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday ---so we're having you put to sleep."

- "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas)