One-Liner Wisdom

- Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way if they get angry they'll be a mile away -- and barefoot.

- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

- My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

- Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

- It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

- I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

- For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

- Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

- A closed mouth gathers no feet.

- If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

- Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

- Eat well - stay fit - die anyway.

- Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

- No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

- Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

- Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

- Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

- There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

- Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

- By the time you can make ends meet they move the ends.

- Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

- Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

- I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

- Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.