Situations — worst jokes

The top 10 least desirable fortunes in a fortune cookie:

• We know where you live.
• You will need good reading material in approximately 15 minutes.
• Everyone's meal today is on you!
• The "special sauce" came from the floor!
• Guess what our special "drop" was in our Egg Drop Soup and win a free meal!!
• Your colon will self destruct in five seconds.
• A recent prison escapee that is sitting near by wants to love you long time.
• Your dog Sparky...he's no longer missing.
• See the waiter about our new food poison life insurance policies.
• MSG? NO!!
• Ebola Virus....maybe

Top things you should not say to a judge:

• "I got your community service right here pal!"
• "Boy your chamber sure does look different with the lights on."
• "You couldn't carry Wapner's gavel you moron!"
• "You're not as easy to buy as others said you were."
• "No you robe wearing geek."
• "I don't suppose there's a "You get me off, I get you off" type of deal out there?"
• "Just out of curiousity, are you wearing pants?"

The top 10 things overheard in a tax preparer's office prior to the tax filing deadline:

• No sir, the government does not want you to pay your taxes in pennies.
• I have a hard time believing that a garbage collector made $150,000 last year so for the last time, DID YOU HAVE ANY OTHER SOURCE OF INCOME!!!
• How cute... a tax form done in crayon.
• No sir, its do your taxes every year and renew your driver's license every 4 years, not the other way around.
• Just because you talk to your plants ma'am, you cannot, repeat CANNOT list them as your dependants.
• No Ms Lewinsky, your oval office "contributions" are not the same as when you check the dollar box at the top of your 1040 form.
• Even if you are a hooker, the number of orgasms you've had cannot count as a business expense.
• I'm sorry, I'm not sure I follow your "Give me an extension and I'll give you an extension later at my place" argument.
• I take it that because you have decided to do origami with your tax form that you're not receptive to paying your taxes this year.
• Just remember the IRS motto, buddy: Screw us now, we'll screw you later!!

The top bad excuses for speeding:

• "This is my tryout for Nascar."
• "I've got to get back to Amish Country before they realize that I am missing."
• "That McDonald's offer is for a Limited Time only and buddy, that could run out at ANYTIME!"
• "I'm trying to rush home for the new Hanson video debut on MTV."
• "Cause those Gorditas rule."
• "Uh-Oh.. Wapner's on... I'm an excellent driver."
• "Trying to see how fast a Yugo can go."
• "Umm.. I'm drunk?"
• "Trying to outrun the radio signal that is playing that lousy Alannis Morisette "Uninvited" song!"

10 signs your broker was affected by the Stock Market Crash:

• "He can't come to the phone right now..he's on the ledge."
• "He won't be in today...he was made an offer and he refused."
• "He left the building and not via the elevator..if you catch my drift."
• "I'm sorry, sir..she's not in...she's out digging up your can as we speak."
• There's a sign on her desk that says "Next Broker Please."
• "He's on another line with his Mommy..would you care to hold?"
• "No sir, that wasn't him streaking through the Stock Exchange."
• "He's meeting with the SEC as we speak."
• "I'm sorry, ma'am but that was him being led from the Stock Exchange naked except for the sale tickets stuck to his body via maple syrup."
• "Yes sir, that is him in the White Bronco leading the cops down the freeway."

Top things you should not say at a funeral:

• Geez, what died in here?
• He looks natural but those shoes do not go with that dress.
• Nice service...where's the keg?
• When did he die...really...hey Bob, you won the pool!!!
• Hey, we're with the Publisher Clearing House Prize Patrol and we're looking for...oh, never mind.
• Don't look now Fred but you and the deceased have the exact same suit on.
• You know they touched that body up cause that shark has one of them legs.
• Not to cause panic or anything but something is leaking out of that casket.

The Top 10 signs you're flying on a bad airline:

• The engine's being held on by duct tape.
• You see the Gorilla from those old Samsonite commercials running loose up and down the aisles.
• In-flight movie has "Ernest" in its title.
• Pilot informs you that you're at cruising altitude and he's gonna put the top down.
• Instead of Peanuts, you get a healthy helping of SPAM.
• As you're taking off, the stewardess mentions the phrase "Guest Pilot Program".
• The seats are wet due to flotation device moisture.
• The stewardess asks you to join the Mile High Club..."she" has a beard and bigger arms than you!
• Pilot asks if there is anyone else who wants a shot of Beam before he finishes the bottle.
• You look down and see a copy of "Fixing a Plane for Dummies" by the mechanic's feet!!!

• It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
• Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
• You may not drive barefooted.
• It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.
• It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.
• Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.
• Masks may not be worn in public.
• Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.
• Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.
• Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.
• It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.
• Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.
• Incestous marriages are legal.
• It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
• You must have windshield wipers on your car.
• You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
• Anniston: You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.
• Jasper: It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.
• Lee County: It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.
• Mobile: It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels. It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits.
• Montgomery: It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses. (Repealed)

• It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
• Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
• You may not drive barefooted.
• It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.
• It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.
• Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.
• Masks may not be worn in public.
• Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.
• Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.
• Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.
• It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.
• Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.
• Incestous marriages are legal.
• It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
• You must have windshield wipers on your car.
• You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
• You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.
• It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.
• It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.
• It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels.
• It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits.
• It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses. (Repealed)

• In Fairbanks it is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.
• While it is legal to shoot bears, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.
• It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.
• It is the state policy that emergencies are held to a minimum and are rarely found to exist. -Sec. 44.62.270. State policy.
• Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.