Situations — worst jokes

25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O.J. Simpson
26. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION
27. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
28. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT
29. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA
30. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
31. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
32. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
33. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
34. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS
35. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
36. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB
37. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
38. EASY UNIX
39. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE AND AGRICULTURE
40. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
41. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
42. FRENCH HOSPITALITY
43. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
44. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER - by Art Garfunkel
45. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
46. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA
47. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS
48. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

And the Number one World's Shortest book......

1. HOW TO OVERCOME TEMPTATION - by Bill Clinton

Next time you're invited to a boring social event, try one of these excuses to why you can't attend:

I'D LOVE TO BUT......

• I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
• I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
• I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
• I have to fluff my shower cap.
• I have to fulfill my potential.
• I left my body in my other clothes.
• I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
• I'll be looking for a parking space.
• I'm being deported.
• I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
• I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
• I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
• I'm sandblasting my oven.
• I'm taking a crash course in punk totem pole carving.
• I'm worried about my vertical hold.
• I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
• I've got a Friends of the Rutabaga meeting.
• it's too close to the turn of the century.
• my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
• my plot to take over the world is thickening.
• my subconscious says no.
• none of my socks match.
• the grunion are running.
• the last time I went, I never came back.
• the monsters haven't turned blue yet; I have to eat more dots.

• On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
• Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
• In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
• On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
• On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
• At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
• On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
• On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
• In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
• On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
• On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
• At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
• On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
• At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
• Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
• Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
• At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
• In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
• On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
• In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
• On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
• At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
• In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
• On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
• On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
• In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
• Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
• In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
• On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
• In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
• In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."

More goofy excuses you can use to get out of going somewhere you just don't wanna go to.

I'D LOVE TO BUT......

• I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
• I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
• I have to floss my pets...
• I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
• I want to spend more time with my blender.
• I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
• I'm building a pig from a kit.
• I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
• I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
• I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
• I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.
• I'm staying home to work on my mottled yogurt sculptures.
• I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
• I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
• I've got plans to go downtown to try on gloves.
• It's my parakeet's bowling night.
• My patent is pending.
• The nice man on television told me to say tuned...

• EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the other planets later.
• If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
• No, I don't have a license to kill; it's just a learners permit.
• Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect.
• Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
• Taxation WITH representation Ain't so hot, either!
• White water... It's all over when the First Lady sings.
• Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?

Continuing with our list of dumb excuses that will guarantee you won't be invited out again! (unless of course your married an the wife makes you go!)

I'D LOVE TO BUT......

• I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
• I feel a song coming on.
• I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
• I have to bleach my hare.
• I have too much guilt.
• I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I'm stuck on it...
• I never go out on days that end in "Y."
• I promised to help a friend re-fold road maps.
• I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
• I'm having all my plants neutered.
• I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."
• I'm too old for that stuff.
• I'm too young for that stuff.
• I'm touring China with a wok band.
• I'm trying desperately to be less popular.
• I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
• I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
• My bathroom tiles need grouting.
• My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
• My mother would never let me hear the end of it.
• My yucca plant is feeling yucky.

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. . .

After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids showed up and they saw his sign: "Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

Well the kids were bright and not about to risk another watermelon. They ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the sign that the farmer made.

The next day the farmer showed up to look over the field and he noticed to his delight that no watermelons are missing. He was perplexed, however, by a sign next to his. He drove his tractor up to the sign which read: "Now there are two!"

Mrs. Whembleton decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant."

"But, Madam, you are not wearing any of those things."

"True enough," said Mrs. Whembleton. "If I should predecease my dear husband I know he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go stark raving mad looking for the jewelry!"

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out.

She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?" "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" "But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.

"I didn't even touch you," growls the sheriff. "Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..."

Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!

• A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
• Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor.
• Atheism - A non-prophet organization.
• Boycott shampoo!!! Demand True poo!
• Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
• Clones are people two.
• COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.
• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
• Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.
• Entropy isn't what it used to be.
• Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
• Gene Police: "YOU!! Out of the pool!"
• Ground Beef: Cow With No Legs
• Help stamp out, delete, and eradicate unnecessary, superfluous redundancy.
• I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
• Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
• Mouse... n. elephant built by the Japanese.
• My reality check just bounced.
• No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
• Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
• Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
• So, what IF there were no hypothetical questions hypothetically...