Situations — worst jokes

More goofy excuses you can use to get out of going somewhere you just don't wanna go to.

I'D LOVE TO BUT......

• I have to go to court for kitty littering.
• I have to jog my memory.
• I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
• I have to rotate my crops.
• I have to sit up with a sick ant.
• I have to stay home and see if I snore.
• I have to study for a blood test.
• I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
• I prefer to remain an enigma.
• I think you want the OTHER (fill in your name here).
• I'm going to be old someday.
• I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
• I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.
• I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
• I'm trying to cut down.
• I'm up to my eardrums in waxy buildup.
• I've been traded to Cincinnati.
• My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
• my favorite commercial is on TV.
• My uncle escaped... again.
• Oooo, having fun gives me prickly heat.

My grand-daddy worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a young fella, and he used to tell me, when I was a little nipper, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the hard work of blacksmithing.

One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. As he told it, he would stand outside behind the wood shed, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out from his sides and hold them there as long as he could.

After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than two full minutes. . . .

Then, he started putting potatoes in the sacks...

DOH!

A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off: "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."

Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. . . Lead us not into temptation."

Woo-hoo...check out these letters from tenants to landlords!

• "The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared."
• "Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. . . ."
• "The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?"
• "Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old page pensioner and need it straight away."
• "I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."
• "This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door."
• "The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous."
• "I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall."
• "Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it."
• "Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink."
• "Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."
• "Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us."

My phone bill was past due and I needed to change my service, so I had to visit the local Bell Atlantic Office. The line wasn't clearly formed, and there was an old man with a cane nearby me.

I wasn't really sure who was next and when we got to the front of the line, the man gestured to me and said, "After you."

I smiled at him and said, "No, please, after you. I have all day."

Then he shook his head sadly and repeated, "No, sonny, you go on ahead. My doctor says I have at least six months."

• Plan ahead... It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
• Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.
• Don't listen to critics - do what must be done.
• Build on high ground.
• For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
• Two heads are better than one.
• Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board... but then so were the turtles.
• Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.
• Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
• When things get really deep, don't sit there and complain--shovel!
• Stay below deck during the storm.
• The ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.
• If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
• Remember that the woodpeckers inside are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.
• Don't miss the boat. Repeat... Do NOT miss the boat...
• No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the horizon.

During a recent vacation in Atlantic City, a couple went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a woman from the back of the theater yelled out, "Hey, how'd you do that?"

"I could tell you, madam", the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you."

After a short pause, she yelled back, "Ok, then... Just tell my husband!"

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."

The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."

The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly!

The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower for that!"

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help.

A local fisherman ran up. The man gasped, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dived into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.

Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, buddy, where's my hundred?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said... "Just my luck! So tell me, what do I owe you?"

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a blood thirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm doomed!"

There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: "No my son, you are NOT doomed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and attacks the chief, feverishly bashing at his head with all his strength. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 cannibals with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again: "Okay . . . . NOW you're doomed."