Situations — worst jokes

The Universal Excuse Form is designed to get you out of the trouble that you may have encountered. Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be!

Dear a) Mom b) Dad c) love of my life d) Assistant Principal e) Local Police Chief, f) Near & dear friend

Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your a) Car b) House c) Pet d) Espresso maker e) Left arm f) Snow Mobile was severely damaged by my a) infantile b) puerile c) inept d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic e) woefully under appreciated prank.

How could I have known that the a) car b) jet ski c) large helium balloon d) rodent driven sled e) Zamboni f) Ski Doo I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your a) house b) wife c) Mistress d) Cub Scout troop e) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with lightbulb in the torch f) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans, you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to a) imagine b) fathom c) comprehend d) appreciate e) pay for and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to a) hate me b) sue me c) spank me d) take my firstborn e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond f) just shoot me but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joking around at a) school b) work c) church d) the bowling alley e) the municipal jail and to remember that I am first and foremost your a) friend b) child c) sibling d) lease co-signer e) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.

I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that a) was so stupid b) was so silly c) would have been funny if it worked d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first e) I'm going to use again on someone else.

Sincerely,
Me

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I am in shape. Round's a shape!

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the Jimmy Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

"I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull."

"That's a shame." said his friend, "How did it happen?"

"She wouldn't eat the fucking mushrooms!"

What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."

What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.

Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."

Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?

If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?

1. On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, NM, an incident they say has been covered up by the military. On March 31, 1948, exactly nine months after that day, Al Gore was born. That clears up a lot of things.
2. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
3. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me -- they were cramming for their finals!
4. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
5. If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
6. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
7. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander. They were all going to be executed.

The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die. The choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging.

The American was afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged so he chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and when they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happened a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.

The Torontonian was also afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn't work and he was free.

Next it was the Newfies turn. He said, "I'm afraid of needles and the electric chair won't work so I pick hanging."

Dear Ann:

I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia.

The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket, Benny "The Fingers"), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers.

My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school.

To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business.

But I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers. In your opinion, Should I, or shouldn't I, tell her about my cousin who works for Microsoft?

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Just remember, if you ever have to go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!

WHY? ......

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?
14. Why do 'overlook and 'oversee' mean opposite things?
15. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

• Clinton doesn't inhale, he sucks
• USE CAUTION! 90% of people are made by accident.
• It's a dog eat dog world... and I'm wearing milkbone underwear!!!
• I break for hallucinations
• My Lawyer Can Beat Your Lawyer
• Blondes Are Not Dumb (the bumper sticker was upside-down)
• DADDY FARTED AND WE CAN'T GET OUT!!!
• IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY DRIVING, STAY OFF THE SIDEWALK!!!
• Nuck Fewt
• ORGASM DONOR
• My child made Student of the Month at Juvenile Hall
• No radio. Already stolen.
• Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.
• So many pedestrians, so little time.
• My other wife is beautiful.
• I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
• Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.
• There is one in every crowd and they always find me.
• I love animals - They taste great!
• I'd rather step in shit than smoke it.
• Unless you are a hemorrhoid - get off my ass!
• On the back of a caterer's truck: "Nobody beats our meat!"