Medicine — worst jokes

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.

The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days.

This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.

The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.

She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

Pfizer Corp (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola Bottling Group (NYSE PBG) as a power beverage, suitable for use as-is, or a mixer, under the name "Mount and Do."

Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests: "It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one."

- Doctor Doctor i feel like a bridge!

- What's come over you?

- 2 buses, 3 motorbikes and a train.

- Doctor Doctor - I feel like a pack of cards!

- I'll deal with you later.

- Doctor Doctor - I feel like a needle!

- I see your point.

- Doctor Doctor - I feel like a pair of curtains!

- Pull yourself togerther man!

- Doctor Doctor - I have 59 seconds to live!

- Wait a minute will ya!

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.

Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.

The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.

"Just look at him. He's afraid to cough!"

Which part of a vegetable can you not eat?
→ The Wheelchair!

- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.

- Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.

- But I'm not allowed up on the couch!

- Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!

- Doc: Do you drink a lot?

- Not really - I spill most of it!

- Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?

- Doc: Of course. Just take this hammer and smash yourself in the head.

- Then you'll have a bad headache.

- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God!

- Doc: When did this start?

- Well first I created the sun, then the earth, then the...

- Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee!

- Doc: Have you ever tried it by taking the spoon out FIRST?

- Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?

- Doc: I never make rash promises!

- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog!

- Doc: So what's wrong with that?

- I think I'm going to croak!

10. Watch the bag fill.
11. Hyperventilate.
12. Pull the tube out of the bag and drink from it.
13. Race to see who fills their bag first (requires two or more people).
14. Puncture the bag near the top and see whether they pull the needle out of your arm before the blood squirts out.
15. While they're not looking, substitute a bag of orange liquid and complain they gave you too much Tang.
16. Insist that you want to give 2 pints.
17. Faint.
18. Tell them you saw the bag twitch.
19. Yell, "Hey, you used that needle on the last guy!"

Things you don't want to hear during surgery:

• Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
• "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
• Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
• Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
• Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.
• Oh no! Where's my Rolex.
• Oops!
• Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
• There go the lights again?
• "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."
• Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
• Could you stop that thing from beating, it's throwing off my concentration.
• What's this doing here? I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
• That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!
• Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
• Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
• OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
• This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
• Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?
• Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
• What do you mean "You want a divorce?!?"
• FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
• Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

The top 10 signs your dentist is crazy:

• Keeps trying to sell you extra teeth.
• His restrooms are labeled "Bleeders" and "Non-Bleeders".
• Pumps gas into the waiting room in advance.
• Does an extensive search for cavities...dental and body.
• He...ummm..licks his tools clean.
• Gets mad when you mention that 4 out of 5 dentists surveyed line.
• When you come to from being under the gas, he's quick to insist that you wore your pants backwards when you came into his office.
• Wears a necklace made of human teeth.
• Has a grindstone in the office for his tools.
• Insists that a Novacaine shot is something that he'll buy you at a bar if you just go out with him.

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?" Shouts the doctor.

"Getting a second opinion!"