Kids Jokes — worst jokes

A little girl was playing in the garden when she spied two spiders mating.

- Daddy, what are those two spiders doing? - she asked.

- They're mating - her father replied.

- What do you call the spider on top, Daddy? - she asked.

- That's a daddy long legs - her father answered.

- So, the other one is a mommy long legs? - the little girl asked.

- No - her father replied.

- Both of them are daddy long legs.

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

- Well, we're not having any of THAT in our garden.

Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher saying that Johnny was having trouble telling the difference between boys and girls, and would his mother please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this. So Johnny's mother takes him quietly by the hand upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.

- First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse - she said, so Johnny unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

- O.K., now take off my skirt - and he takes off her skirt.

- Now take off my bra - which he does.

- And now, Johnny, please take off my panties.

Johnny finishes removing these too.

His mother then says:

- Johnny, please don't wear any of my clothes to school anymore!

A man is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the man moves closer to the boy's position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the childs level, the man smiles benevolently and asks:

- And now what, my little man?

The boy replies:

- Now we run!

On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shooked it, held it over her head, and said:

- I bet I know what it is - flowers!

- That's right! - said the boy:

- but how did you know?

- Just a wild guess - she said.

The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shooked it, and said:

- I bet I can guess what it is - a box of candy!

- That's right! But how did you know? - asked the girl.

- Just a lucky guess - said the teacher.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. - Is it wine? - she asked.

- No - the boy replied.

The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. - Is it champagne? - she asked.

- No - the boy replied.

The teacher then said:

- I give up, what is it?

The boy replied:

- A puppy!

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp:

- Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks:

- Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?

She in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,

leans forward and says in a quiet voice:

- I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.

A mother was teaching her 3-year-old the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer. "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail, Amen."

On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

- Be still, my heart - thought my friend.

- My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!

Then the child spoke to the instrument:

- Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between pages.

- Mommy, look what I found - the boy called out.

- What have you got there, dear? - his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered:

- It's Adam's clothes!!!!!

- Brother: How do you top a car?

- Sister: Tep on the brake, tupid.

- My sister's a really bad driver.

- What makes you say that?

- Every time she goes out in the car, Dad puts a glass panel in the floor so that she can see who she's run over.