Kids Jokes — best jokes

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.

She started with:

- This was England's finest hour.

Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said:

- Winston Churchill.

- Congratulations - said the teacher - you may go home early.

The teacher then said:

- Ask not what your country can do for you, but..

Before she could finish the quote, another young lady belts out:

- John F. Kennedy!

- Very good - says the teacher - you may go also.

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said:

- I wish those girls would just shut up.

Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said:

- Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday.

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said:

- Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger:

- What would you like to discuss?

- Oh, I don't know - said the stranger.

- How about nuclear power?

- OK - said Little Johnny.

- That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?

- Jeez - said the stranger.

- I have no idea.

- Well, then - said Little Johnny.

- How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied:

- I'm drawing God.

The teacher paused and said:

- But no one knows what God looks like.

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied:

- They will in a minute.

What were Michael Jackson's baby's first words? Which one's Mommy?

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says:

- Hey Tommy, wanna play house?

He says:

- Sure! What do you want me to do?

The girl replies:

- I want you to communicate your thoughts.

- Communicate my thoughts? - said a bewildered Tommy.

- I have no idea what that means.

The little girl smirks and says:

- Perfect. You can be the husband.

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said:

- Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?

Little Johnny quickly replied:

- NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said:

- All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks.

The horrified mother went in and told her son:

- We don't use that kind of language in this house!! Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say:

- All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.

She hears the little boy continue:

- For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.

As the mother began to smile, the child added:

- For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked:

- Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?

- Of course not, dear - replied the mother. - Why would you think that?

- The tombstone back there said: 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'

One day a kid asks his mom if he can take a shower with her. She says:

- Sure son, but don't look up and don't look down.

So they're taking a shower and the kid reaches up for the soap and he says:

- Woo mama! What are those?

She says:

- Those are my headlights.

The kid says:

- Ahh.

Then he drops the soap and bends down to get it and he says:

- Woo mama! What is that?

and she replies back with:

- That is my garage.

The kid says:

- Ahh.

The next day he asks his dad if he can take a shower with him. The kid does. As he's scrubbing himself with the soap, he drops it. When he picks it up he says:

- Woo daddy! What is that?

The father replies back:

- That's my limousine.

That night he asks his parents if he could sleep with them and they say:

- Sure, just don't look under the covers.

Then in the middle of the night he decides to take a peek. And he says:

- Wooo mama! Look, daddy is parking his limousine in your garage!

Grampa and Billy were working out in the garden. Grampa spies Billy trying to put a worm back into the ground.

- You'll never get that worm back in his hole, - said the old man.

Suddenly, Billy had an idea. He ran into the laundry room and came back with a can of spray starch.

After a few sprays, the worm was as stiff as a board and Billy was able to slide him back into the earth.

- Billy! You're a genius, - exclaimed grampa.

He hugged Billy, gave him a dollar out of his pocket, grabbed the starch, and ran inside.

Thirty minutes later, grampa comes back out smiling. He gives Billy another dollar.

- Grampa, - said the boy, - You already gave me a dollar.

- No, - replied grampa, - That dollar's from grandma!