Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

A man is driving down the freeway when he sees a sign that says:

- Get gas and free sex here.

So obviously the guy was interested, so he stopped, filled up, and went inside to pay.

- Pick a number from 1 - 10 to get free sex - said the cashier.

- Uh, okay, 3! - the man replied.

- Nope! Sorry, play again.

So the guy drove around for weeks always getting gas at the same place, because he wanted his free sex. One day he was really ticked:

- This has got to be rigged! I have never gotten the number to have free sex! - He screamed.

- Oh no! It's not rigged, just ask your wife, she won 3 times last week alone!

The wife of an older man is distraught because her husband's um... little sailor can't salute anymore. She goes to her local doctor and explains the situation and the doctor just feels plain bad for her. The doc thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says:

- Listen, I don't do this for everyone, but since your husband's on his way out...

- Get this prescription, and put three drops in his milk before he goes to bed.

The wife is very happy and thanks the doc profusely. Two weeks later, the doctor sees the woman and asks how it went.

The lady blushes, smiles and says:

- Well, I put thirty drops in his milk by accident, and well, we just need an antidote now to close the coffin.

The new hooker had just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. She said:

- Well, he was a big, muscular and handsome marine.

- Well? What did he want to do? - they all asked.

She said:

- I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he did not have that much. So, I told him a blowjob would be $75, but he did not have that much either. Finally I said, 'Well how much do you have?' The marine said he only had $25. So, I told him, 'For $25, all I can give you is a hand job.' He agreed and after getting the finances straight, he pulled it out. I put one hand on it. Then, I put the other hand above that one.

She paused, raised her eyebrows, and then continued:

- Then I put the first hand above the second hand...

- Oh my God! - they all exclaimed. It must have been huge! Then what did you do?

- I loaned him $75!

What do you call foreplay in Alabama?
→ 'Hey sis, you awake?'

A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him:

- How the hell do the two of you have sex?

The big guy says:

- I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down.

His friend says:

- You know, that don't sound too bad.

The big guy says:

- Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to.

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
→ He decided to stick it out for one more year!

What is green and eats nuts?
→ Herpes!

The aged patient doddered into the doctor's office with a serious complaint.

- Doc, you've got to do something to lower my sex drive.

- Come on now, Mr. Peters, your sex drive's all in your head.

- That's what I mean, you've got to lower it a little.

How can you tell when your girlfriend's horny?
→ You stick your hands in her panties and it feels like you're feeding a horse.

What did the boy with a long tongue and big lips say to his mom as he was masturbating?
→ "Look Ma, no hands!"