Computer Jokes — worst jokes

What do you get when you cross a hooker with a systems engineer?
→ A fuckin know-it-all!

Interesting things about Monica Lewinsky:

• Nobody would know about her if it weren't for Bill
• She sucks
• She blows
• She's bloated
• She's the focus of a huge legal battle
• She'll go down in a heartbeat

Who does she think she is, Microsoft Windows?

• PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
• ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
• APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
• SCSI: System Can't See It
• DOS: Defunct Operating System
• BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
• IBM: I Blame Microsoft
• DEC: Do Expect Cuts
• CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
• OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.
• WWW: World Wide Wait
• MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero"

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week."

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us may find it rather funny.

Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)

Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse maybe used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

- Costello: Hey, Abbott!

- Abbot: Yes, Lou?

- Costello: I just got my first computer.

- Abbot: That's great Lou. What did you get?

- Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM.

- Abbot: That's terrific, Lou.

- Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!!

- Abbot: You will in time.

- Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.

- Abbot: Oh?

- Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.

- Abbot: Well, I don't know-

- Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.

- Abbot: Really?

- Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.

- Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do you want to know?

- Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.

- Abbot: That's true.

- Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?

- Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-

- Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.

- Abbot: I know, you press the Start button-

- Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.

- Abbot: I did.

- Costello: When?

- Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button.

- Costello: Why should I press the Start button?

- Abbot: To shut off the computer.

- Costello: I press Start to stop.

- Abbot: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.

- Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.

- Abbot: Start

- Costello: Start what?

- Abbot: Start button.

- Costello: Start button to do what?

- Abbot: Shut down.

- Costello: You don't have to get rude!

- Abbot: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.

- Costello: Then say what you mean.

- Abbot: To shut down the computer, press-

- Costello: Don't say, "Start!"

- Abbot: Then what do you want me to say?

- Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.

- Abbot: But that's what you do.

- Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.

- Abbot: Don't be ridiculous.

- Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversation.

- Abbot: What are you talking about?

- Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.

At a recent computer expo (Comdex), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that get 100 miles to the gallon." Recently, General Motors addresses this comment by releasing this statement, "yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

Below is a synopsis of the Microsoft Car:

• Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
• Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
• Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail, and you would have to re-install the engine. for some strange reason, you would accept this too.
• You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
• Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times faster, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on 5% of the roads.
• The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades for their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
• The oil, gas and alternator lights would be replaced with single "general car fault" lights.
• The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
• If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

Are computers males or females? You decide.

TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE:

5. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.
6. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a network connection.
7. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.
8. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested so much in the damn machine that they're compelled to remain with an under powered system.
9. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have their attention.

FIVE REASONS COMPUTERS MUST BE FEMALE:

5. No one but their creator understands their logic.
6. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
7. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
8. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
9. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:

1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4. Press any key except ... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Reboot Washington D. C? (Y/N)
15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20. User Error: Replace user.
21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

Earlier this week, Gregory Nemitz and a handful of space enthusiasts proposed creating special domains, including ".luna" and ".moon," for Web sites based on the moon. He wasn't kidding:

And one of our "Ten laws the Net needs" involves a special ".xxx" domain for pornographic sites. But why stop there? Here are some new proposed domains, and what you can expect from the sites in them:

10. ".trek"--contains audio files of William Shatner
11. ".bill"--Microsoft has bought this company
12. ".love"--for people who would rather cuddle
13. ".slow"--based in a distant country with no T3 lines
14. ".geek"--assumes you know what all the acronyms mean
15. ".404"--we stopped maintaining our servers in 1996
16. ".y2k"--contains theories about the end of the world
17. ".burn"--huge multimedia files will crash your computer
18. ".*"--contains allegations about President Clinton's sex life
19. ".duh"--explains, in detail, stuff you already know