Computer Jokes — worst jokes

REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 23, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.

"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone".

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end...

"And lead us not into temptation", she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."

Software Engineering Glossary of Product Terminology

• NEW: Different colors from previous version.
• ALL NEW: Software is not compatible with previous version.
• UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition.
• ADVANCED DESIGN: Upper management doesn't understand it.
• NO MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix.
• BREAKTHROUGH: It finally booted on the first try.
• DESIGN SIMPLICITY: Developed on a shoe-string budget.
• UPGRADED: Did not work the first time.
• UPGRADED AND IMPROVED: Did not work the second time.

The Dumpty Dictionary, Version 2.0

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses (viri?) do:

1. They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- okay, Windows does that.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay, Windows does that, too.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So, Windows is not a virus.

There is a very dangerous virus going around and it is propogated through the email system. If you get an email message with the subject: "VIRUS ALERT!" do not open the mail message. If you do, the virus scrambles the second half of every text file on your system.

VERY IMPORTANT: If you do get this virus, the first thing dlkfjaiddfdjas nairb gfdq40wt yaj asdfsdg dluog av da[agj asdfajpg asdflasidffnm asd difvu asdfa vgoiae vdsofj we dasdf 9efm sd dag0 g adfjdl5gkj dkllj djf hsas9kaj kuieh nx3glkj gkdls kd li8siue ghkld hks1as dg 0vbwe ads gwefawe ads vewerwe dsf!

No no, the question is: How many USENET posters does it take to change a lightbulb?

1. Define "change"
2. How do you know the lightbulb is out?
3. Don't use the word "posters" to describe us, it's offensive to large sheets of papers with pictures on them which hang on walls.
4. That question is not appropriate for this group, please take it elsewhere.
5. I think it's perfectly appropriate, this is alt.fan.lightbulbs.
6. Well, that's because you're a twit.
7. Who are you calling a "twit"? Besides, you spelled "twit" wrong.
8. Oh? And how exactly do you spell "twit", twit?
9. Could you two take this to e-mail? Doesn't anyone want to talk about lightbulb fans instead of flaming?
10. You're a twit also, who died and made you net.cop?
11. Look, all of you, take it to alt.flame or e-mail or something.
12. Hey, USENET is an anarchy, you have no right to tell them what to post or not post.
13. Speaking of anarchists, why don't you all vote for Andre Marrou, Libertarian Party Candidate for President?
14. Because the Libertarians are all twits.
15. Waitaminit! Now we're arguing politics on alt.fan.lightbulb????
16. Stop wasting bandwidth with this stuff!
17. What "stuff" pray tell?
18. Yikes! It's dark in here!
19. Define "dark".
20. I mean the lightbulb must be out.
21. So change it.
22. Define "change"...

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritted sign and held it in the helicopter's window.

The sign said "WHERE AM I"? in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign an held it in a building window. The sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER".

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to SEATAC ( Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer".

1. Order the T-shirts for the Development team
2. Announce availability
3. Write the code
4. Write the manual
5. Hire a Product Manager
6. Spec the software (writing the specs after the code helps to ensure that the software meets the specifications)
7. Ship
8. Test (the customers are a big help here)
9. Identify bugs as potential enhancements
10. Announce the upgrade program

Programmer: A person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after innumberable poundings, an infinite series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures from inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.