Computer Jokes — worst jokes

You Decide

'But that isn't a fair comparison. People like the Etch-A-Sketch.'

After admiring the above signature I thought I'd post a comparison, similar to the other great computer wars.

Etch-A-Sketch / Mac Classic

• No. of Colours: 2 / 2
• Resolution: ~2000 × ~2000 / 512 × 342
• No. of buttons: 2 / 1
• Preemptive Multitasking: Yes / No
• Hardware line draw: Yes / No
• Price: < $20 / ~$1000
• Power Consumption: No / Yes
• Laptop: Yes / No
• Slow Operating System: No / Yes
• Non Volatile Memory: Yes / No
• Choice of Coloured box: Yes / No
• Robust design (shakeable): Yes / No

After considering the above options, I decided to buy the Etch-A-Sketch.

For all you die-hard Amiga fanatics out there rumour has it that the Etch-A-Sketch-Emulator is coming out for the Amiga, and will in fact be faster than the true E-A-S.

God's Human DNA Code

For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function. I have solved the mystery. The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the rest of it is comments. Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as follows:

/* HUMAN_DNA.H * Human Genome * Version 2.1 * (C) God */

/* Revision history: */
0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam.
0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve.
0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy -- will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from elephant-dna.c
0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail.
1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made darker to match my own image.
2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth. Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height.
5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of CD.

/* Standard definitions */
#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
#define RACE caucasian

/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files. * Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper inheritance features. */
#include "mother.h"
#include "father.h"
#infndef FATHER
#warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
#include "bastard.h"
#endif

/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables */
#include

/* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper library sometime soon. */
struct genitals {
#ifdef MALE
Penis *jt;
#endif
/* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */
#ifdef FEMALE
Vagina *p;
#endif
}

/* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication. * Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers */
DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);

/* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE * Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism to display at birth. * Will be improved later to make output less ugly. */
Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);

...and so on. [ Note that God uses three-space tabs ]

Just wanted to check out that you gnarly dudes are using the latest andgreatest software technology fer yer rad code to make it easy for thedudes who have to read it. The hip new way to write readable Ccode involves the use of a few simple defines.#define like {#define man ;}#define an ;#define SayBro /*#define CheckItOut */SayBro like, this is some rad program, so CheckItOutlike a = b an c = dmanSayBro , like who needs help from them compiler choads anyway?

THIS is the way to write CLEAR code. I mean really! CheckItOutlike SayBro this is ShellSort straight out of the white book, but ina readable form.

CheckItOut man#define YoDude for(#define OK )#define is =#define AND &&#define as#define Do#define long#define some#define make#define garbage#define FAROUTshell(v, n) SayBro sort v[0]...v[n-1] into increasing order CheckItOutint v[], n;like int gap, i, j, temp;YoDude gap is n/2 an as long as gap > 0 Do some garbage an make gap /=2 OK YoDude i is gap an as long as i < n Do some garbage an make i++ OK YoDude j is i - gap an as long as j >= 0 AND v[j] > v[j+gap] Do some garbage an make j -= gap OK like temp is v[j] an v[j] is v[j+gap] an v[j+gap] is temp manFAROUT manSayBro like, B there OB square! CheckItOut

Less-Known Computer Languages Basic-Fortran-Cobol... Theseprogramming languages are wellknown and (more or less) wellloved throughout the computerindustry.

There are numerous otherlanguages however that are lesswell known yet still have ardentdevotees. In fact these little-known languages generallyhave the most fanatic admirers.

For those who wish to know moreabout these obscure languages -and why they are obscure - Ipresent the following catalog.

SIMPLE ... SIMPLE is an acronymfor Sheer Idiot's Mono PurposeProgramming LingusiticEnvironment.

This language developed at theHanover College for TechnologicalMisfits was designed to make itimpossible to write code witherrors in it. The statements aretherefore confined to BEGIN-END-and STOP. No matter how youarrange the statements you can'tmake a syntax error.

Programs written in SIMPLE donothing useful.

Thus they achievethe results of programs writtenin other languages without thetedious frustrating process oftesting and debugging.

SLOBOL ... SLOBOL is best knownfor the speed or lack of it ofits compiler. Although manycompilers allow you to take acoffee break while they compileSLOBOL compilers allow you to takea trip to Bolivia to pick up thecoffee. Forty-three programmersare known to have died of boredomsitting at their terminals whilewaiting for a SLOBOL program tocompile.

Weary SLOBOL programmers often turnto a related (but infinitely faster) language...

COCAINE.

VALGOL ... (With special thanks toDan and Betsy "Moon Unit" Pfau)- From its modest beginnings insouthern California's SanFernando Valley VALGOL is enjoyinga dramatic surge of popularityacross the industry.

VALGOL commands include REALLY-LIKE - WELL and YAKNOW. Variablesare assigned with the =LIKE and=TOTALLY operators.

Other operatorsinclude the "CALIFORNIA BOOLEANS"FERSURE and NOWAY. Repetitions ofcode are handled in FOR-SURE loops.

Here is a sample VALGOL program. 14 LIKE-YAKNOW (I MEAN) START. %% IF. PI A =LIKE BITCHEN AND. 01 B =LIKE TUBULAR AND. 9 C =LIKE GRODY**MAX. 4K (FERSURE)**2. 18 THEN. 4I FOR I=LIKE 1 TO OH MAYBE 100. 86 DO WAH + (DITTY**2). 9 BARF(I) =TOTALLY GROSS(OUT). -17 SURE. 1F LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM. ? REALLY. $$ LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)VALGOL is characterized by itsunfriendly error messages. Forexample when the user makes asyntax error the interpreterdisplays the message GAG ME WITHA SPOON!

LAIDBACK ... Historically VALGOL isa derivative of LAIDBACK whichwas developed at the (now defunct)Marin County Center for T'ai ChiMellowness and ComputerProgramming as an analternative to themore intense atmosphere in nearbysilicon valley. The center wasideal for programmers who liked tosoak in hot tubs while theyworked. Unfortunately fewprogrammers could survive therefor long since the center outlawedpizza and RC Cola in favor of beancurd and Perrier.

Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACKbecause its reputation as agentle and nonthreatening language.

For example LAIDBACK responded tosyntax errors with the messageSORRY MAN I CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT.

SARTRE ... Named after the lateexistential philosopher.

SARTRE isan extremely unstructuredlanguage. Statements in SARTRE haveno purpose they are just there.

Thus SARTRE programs are left todefine their own functions.

SARTRE programmers tend to beboring and depressed and are nofun at parties.

FIFTH ... FIFTH is a precisionmathematical language in whichthe data types refer to quantity.

The data types range from CC-OUNCE-SHOT and JIGGER to FIFTH(hence the name of the language)LITER-MAGNUM and BLOTTO.

Commands refer to ingredientssuch as CHABLIS-CHARDONNAY-CABERNET-GIN-VERMOUTH-VODKA-SCOTCHand WHATEVERSAROUND.

The many versions of the FIFTHlanguage reflect the sophisticationand financial status of its users.

Commands in the ELITE dialectinclude VSOP and LAFITE whilecommands in the GUTTER dialectinclude HOOTCH and RIPPLE.

The latter is a favorite offrustrated FORTH programmers whoend up using the language.

C-...

This language was namedfor the grade received by itscreater when he submitted itas a class project in agraduate programming class.

C- is best described as a'Low Level' programminglanguage.

In fact the languagegenerally requires more C-statements than machine-codestatements to execute a giventask. In this respect itis very similar to COBOL.

LITHP ... This otherwiseunremarkable language isdistinguished by the absenceof an "s" in its character set.

Programmers and users mustsubstitute"TH". LITHP is said tobe useful in prothething lithtth.

DOGO ... Developed at theMassachussettes Institute ofObedience Training. DOGO heraldsa new era of computer literatepets. DOGO commands include SITSTAY-HEEL and ROLL OVER. Aninnovative feature of DOGO is'PUPPY GRAPHICS' in which a smallcocker spaniel occasionally leavesa deposit as he travels acrossthe screen.

OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.

But did you know that:

• 660 - Approximate number of the Beast
• DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast
• 666.0000 - Number of the High Precision Beast
• 0.666 - Number of the Millibeast
• / 666 - Beast Common Denominator
• 666 ^ (-1) - Imaginary number of the Beast
• 1010011010 - Binary of the Beast
• 6, uh... what was that number again? - Number of the Blonde Beast
• 1-666 - Area code of the Beast
• 00666 - Zip code of the Beast
• 1-900-666-0666: - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
• $665.95 - Retail price of the Beast
• $699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
• $769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
• $656.66 - Walmart price of the Beast
• $646.66 - Next week's Walmart price of the Beast
• Phillips 666 - Gasoline of the Beast
• Route 666 - Way of the Beast
• 666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast
• 666k - Retirement plan of the Beast
• 666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
• 6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
• Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of the Beast
• Word 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beast
• i66686 - CPU of the Beast
• 666i - BMW of the Beast
• DSM-666 (revised) - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
• 668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast

Here's how to be a pest-by-modem:

• Make up fake acronyms. On-line veterans like to use abbreviations like IMHO (in my humble opinion) and RTFM (read the f...... manual) to show that they're "hep" to the lingo. Make up your own that don't stand for anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to explain what they stand for ("You don't know? RTFM").
• WRITE ALL YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON'T USE PERIODS OR RETURNS SO THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE ALSO USE A LOT OF !!!!!! AND DDOOUUBBLLEESS TO SHOW THAT YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT BEING HERE!!!!!!!
• When replying to your mail, correct everyone's grammar and spelling and point out their typos, but don't otherwise respond to the content of their messages. When they respond testily to your 'creative criticism,' do it again. Continue until they go away.
• Software and files offered on-line are often "compressed" so that it won't take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compression program and compress everything you send, including one-word E-mail responses like "Thanks."
• Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give them names like "SexyHouseWives," then see how many people download them. Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-on. Take bets and calculate odds on the results of each upload's popularity.
• cc: all your E-mail to Al Gore (vice.president@whitehouse.gov) so that he can keep track of what's happening on the information Superhighway Internet.
• Join a discussion group, and tie whatever's being discussed back to an unrelated central theme of your own. For instance, if you're in a discussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observation that those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important role. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as people write you threatening messages and instruct all other members to ignore you.

Just in case you think YOU are TC (technologically challenged), there's still hope:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old (5-1/4") diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and going across the room to close the door.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had even tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse!
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.
13. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk, but I squeezed it in. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

A first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they experimented with their desk computers. One boy sat staring at the screen, unsure how to get the computer going. The teacher walked over and read what was on his screen.

In her most reassuring voice, she said, "The computer wants to know what your name is," then she walked over to the next child.

The boy leaned toward the screen and whispered, "My name is David."

What's O. J. Simpson's Internet address?
→ Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape.

What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
→ Data transfer.