Worst jokes

Thoughts from a school teacher:

1. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you are a mile away and you have his shoes.
2. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...
3. I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
4. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
5. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
6. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
7. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
8. I have found at my age, going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
9. I was thinking about how people read the Bible a whole lot more when they get older. Then it dawned on me they were cramming for their finals.
10. Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of emergency. I think you should put "A very good doctor."

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus, with a huge bundle of toys.

Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated, and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The question is: Who was the survivor? Scroll down for the answer.

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one that existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.

Women stop here. That is the end of the joke.
Men keep scrolling

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving, and that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.

While the U.S. stock market was at an all time high, the ups and downs frightened a lot of small investors.

A guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and ask if he were worried.

He replied that he slept like a baby.

He was amazed and asked:

- Really? Even with all the fluctuations?

He said:

- Yes, that's right. Just like a baby...

- I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours!

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him:

- I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it.

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car.

They again went to the father's study where his father said:

- Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!

The young man waited a moment and replied:

- You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair....

To which his father replied...

- Yes, you're right...and they also WALKED every where they went!

A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas, so she stops at a gas station.

While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself. She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is doing. Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying...

- A little more to the left...a little more to the right

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the "blonde" employee:

- Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are at... VERY SLOWLY?

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said...

- Burrrrrrrr, Gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing

One day, Clinton called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office.

He was very furious and said:

- Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!

- Yes Sir, Mr. President - the interior decorator replies.

- I'll take those mirrors out right away!

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.

The manager went to the first applicant and said:

- Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.

- And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct - asked the rejected applicant.

- We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed - said the Department manager.

- And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other? - the rejected applicant inquired.

- Simple - said the Department manager...

- Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'

15 actual announcements taken from church bulletins:

1. Don't let worry kill you- let the church help.
2. Thursday night- potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery upstairs.
5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight the sermon topic will be "What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold a real Genie appeared.

Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes. The Genie said:

- Nope...not these days...

- I'm only giving out 1 wish because of inflation. So...what'll be?

Bill didn't hesitate. He said:

- I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other.

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed:

- Are you crazy! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good but I'm not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. So make another wish.

Bill thought for a minute and said:

- You know, people really don't like my wife. They think she's a real witch and ugly as sin. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. That's what I want!

The Genie thought for a minute and said:

- Hmmmmm. Lemme see that map again.