Worst jokes

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

- She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

- She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

- She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

- She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

- She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

- She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

- She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.

- She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.

- She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

- She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

- She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

- She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

- She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

- She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

- She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

- She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

- She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW-COST PROVIDER.

Signs that you "just might" have a drinking problem.

- You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

- You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

- Your job is interfering with your drinking.

- Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

- Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

- 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not!

- Two hands and just one mouth ... now THAT'S a drinking problem!

- The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

- Every woman you see has an exact twin.

- You fall off the floor.

- Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger -- forget dinner!

- The glass keeps missing your mouth.

- Bill Clinton starts to make sense.

- Mosquitoes catch a buzz* after biting you.

- The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in.

- "Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol."

- You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

- "BeerTender! Get me another Bar!"

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking:

- Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service:

- And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?

One bright little girl replied:

- Because people are sleeping!

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.

- Momma, look what I found - the boy called out.

- What have you got there, dear? - his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered:

- It's Adam's suit!!

The top 10 things men know about women are:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
(I think you get it where we're going with this.)
6.
7.
(Hey Guys..."check out #8...a new one!)
8.
9.
10.

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.

A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said:

- Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much.

The twenty answered:

- I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?

The one dollar bill said:

- You know, same old stuff, church, church, church.

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone:

- Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe:

- Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark:

- That's Strange!

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English, these words were of neutral gender.

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked:

- What gender is a computer?

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Bill is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Bill just dates and dates.

Finally a friend asks him:

- What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?

- No - Bill replies:

- I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!

- Listen - his friend suggests:

- Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear old Mother?

Many weeks go by and again Bill and his friend get together.

- So Bill. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?

Bill shrugs his shoulders:

- Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became fast friends.

- So are you and this girl engaged, yet?

- I'm afraid not, my Father can't stand her!

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career, so they decided to do a small test.

They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table... then they hid, pretending they were not at home.

The father's plan was:

- If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard.

So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left.

Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.

After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it.

Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality ...then he left for his room, carrying all three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said:

- Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined..

- Our son is going to be a politician!